Bailey Jay Vaniity Video

Now that sure is one super hot Bailey Jay Vaniity video if I do say so myself. Here is a description of that super hot shemale porn star video:

“Not To Be Missed! The Epic Hook-Up Of Vanity & Bailey Jay! For a select market, nothing beats the taboo allure of a horny, feminine cutie with tasty titties, a cushy tushy and a big, stiff, up-front bonus. Hall of Fame director Joey Silvera, whose she-male movies are acknowledged as the finest in the world, understands these most exotic sexual sojourners and their fans – he pioneered strong filmmaking in a previously shoddy genre of XXX entertainment. Joey always brings genuine lust and intriguing scenarios to his transsexual shenanigans. His ‘Next She-Male Idol’ series showcases the talent of hot, young chicks with dicks, and the latest installment matches up the most popular new she-male sensation with the most popular of all time.

The Next She-Male Idol 3 features the classic hook-up of flirtatious, gorgeous she-male fatale Vaniity with Bailey Jay, currently America’s She-Male Sweetheart. Each of these sexy cover beauties has carried porn movies to huge success, and when the tanned, tropical lady and the fair-skinned, black-haired alt-girl come together, the sales prospects are as exciting as the sex! The movie’s ample blow jobs, rim jobs and butt-fucking come courtesy of an eclectic cast including strikingly tattooed Morgan Bailey, punky Aly Sinclair and Krysta Kaos, redhead Juliette Stray and buxom, thickly hung African American Paris Pirelli. Two of the scenes offer trannie-on-trannie action, and in three others the she-males seduce adventurous dudes. Nobody does she-males like Joey Silvera!”

Now obviously the ladyboy revolution website has taken the two hottest of the shemale porn stars of that movie and for a sizzling Bailey Jay Vaniity video because that is what our viewers want to see when they cum to the ladyboy revolution shemale porn website.

Shemale Porn Stars Bailey Jay Vaniity Video

“How did you get into porn? I got into porn at 19 years of age via a profile I had on an adult sex site. I was one of the top 10 profiles worldwide and there was a transsexual porn star by the name of Nikita Coxxxs who was number one, so I contacted her. We chatted off an on and I asked her who and what companies I should contact and she took some of my photos and showed them to the owners of Anabolic. Next thing I knew, I was on a flight to LA shooting my 1st feature movie, T-Girls 3, the day after I turned 19.

What do you like best about being a performer? I love knowing that all over the world there is so many people are watching, fantasizing and enjoying me. It turns me on so much looking into the camera and imagining that thousands of men are stroking themselves for me.

What do you like least about the porn industry? There seems to be so much jealousy and gossip among the girls of my genre (AKA other trannys) and I find it to be childish and sad hearing such things from people you would think are mature successful individuals.

How did you choose your porn name? I didn’t choose my name my friends and family always called me Mia because it means “mine”—they think they own me! LOL My first love referred to me as his “Bella” or “beauty”, so everyone in my life just started calling me Mia Isabella.

What performer would you most like to do a scene with and why? Wolf Hudson “The King of Kink” because I love Latin men. And, I’m sure it would be an amazing ass eating, toe sucking, ass pounding good time.

Favorite sex toy? The Fleshlight! I love it!

Favorite sexual position? Um. All of them!

What’s up next for you? There are some very exciting and huge things coming up, but I don’t think I’m allowed to discuss them yet. I should have an announcement of one of the things in the next few weeks. Fingers crossed.

What’s your life like outside porn? I love doing the Vegas nightlife thing with my girls on the weekends and relaxing by the pool with a good book during the week. I’m pretty laid back and private and enjoy peace and quiet. But, I also like keeping in touch with my fans.

Tell us a secret about you that no one knows. If I tell you then it wont be a secret anymore. LOL”

 Mia Isabella

Mia Isabella Mobile

Mia Isabella Interview

Pretty good Mia Isabella Interview

Shemale Pornstars Index

This shemale pornstars index <—- can be reached at that link so that you can find your shemale pornstars and your favoriye shemale pornstars videos alomng with your favorite shemale pornstars pictures in the left side bar alphabetically directly under the category list. Shemale pornstars are what we are about and hot super sexy shemale pornstars are what we deliver!

The ladyboy revolution website is starting to climb the list in the shemale pornstars category with popularity. We have a very nice list of top shemale pornstars and it is growing rapidly. Besides the excellent videos and pics that we have for free on this website we are adding to our list of tranny porn stars and you can find each individual porn star in the first link labeled “index” for a quick and fast navigation to any of the tranny porn stars that you want to find.

Whether it is a shemale pornstars list or a tranny list or a tranny index or however you want to definite one thing is for sure, hot transsexuals and super sexy she males and ts tv happy gender bending gold old fashion pornography and pictures. That is what it boils down to that is what we here at the ladyboy revolution website plan on providing that the big wide community of ladyboy lovers.

This is a super fine list of all the best gender bending super stars that are currently available on the world wide web. In this particular blog post I will list all the hottest shemale pornstars that we have so far in alphabetical order. So we will list all the shemale pornstars that we have in alphabetical order with a brief summary of each:

Adriana Lynn Rush

Adriana Lynn Rush is brand new in the shemale pornstars business. But as far as shemale pornstars is concerned, nobody can argue that she is not one of the top lookers. I don’t know a lot about her yet but I think she is french and from France. As far as I know she has two movies that I have seen. I don’t know how many movies she has altogether but she seems to be doing quite well in the shemale pornstars business so far. Time will tell if she sticks with it, dedicates herself, and works HARD for her money.

Afrika Kampos

Afrika Kampos is brand new to the Ladyboy Revolution website of shemale pornstars and to the shemale pornstars business.. She is a sexy blonde bombshell and certainly looks like she is ready and willing to go. I also admit since she is new here I do not know a lot about Afrika Kampos. When I found out more I will let you know. I do know that she is currently twenty years young. I also know that she was born in Mexico. She is five feet eight inches tall and she has 38DD breasts. She obviously has blonde hair and very gorgeous blue eyes.

Ana Mancini

Wowzers Ana Mancini is a super hot courageous blonde! And I am talking super hot! What’s up with all these new blonde shemale pornstars that have a name beginning with the letter A??? Is this blessed epidemic or what??? Ana Mancini is from the country of Argentina. You would think with a name like that she would be Italian and from Italy. But no. Ana Mancini has absolutely gorgeous green eyes and an extremely young skin complexion that is extremely attractive. I can see her going far in the business of shemale pornstars because like the rock and roll star Price has so famously said, she “has the look”.

Ana Mancini weighs only one hundred and thirty five pounds. She has a size 36DD breasts and a 22-40 figure size. She is drop dead gorgeous from head to toe and she has an eight and a half inch penis size and according to her it is always ready to go. She now lives in South Beach Florida.

Angeles Cid

Here we ago with yet another super hot blonde transsexual pornstar with her name beginning with the letter A. This is the fourth so far. Angeles Cid is twenty one years young. According to her she has a ten inch cock. I do not have any more information on her but she may have more on her website. But I do know that she is one hot transsexual and that is the important part. We like our transsexual porn star hot and super super sexy and she definitely fulfills that role without a shadow of doubt. She reminds me of a blonde that was on a very popular television show that I watches as I was growing up. I just wish I knew the name of that particular television show. Anyhow:

Angelina Torres

Yuppers you guessed it another super hot blonde and part of the hot blonde shemale pornstars with her first name starting with the letter A. Don’t ask me why we have an “epidemic” of hot blonde transsexuals with the first letter starting with A. But fortunately we do. And you guessed it again Angelina Torres is also new to the hot world of the best shemale pornstars. Angelina Torres is from France. Her parents are from Spain. But that is all I really know about her. If you click on the link about it will take you to the Angelina Torres page and we have a hot free video of her and from there you can go onto her website if you want to know more about her.

Ashley George

Ashley George is quite a bit more popular then the previous six transsexuals. Ashley George is still very young. In fact Ashley George is twenty years young and she started filming in the shemale porn industry when she was eighteen years young. She did a feature DVD called Losing My Virginity and it was made by SheMale Club. The last I read she was living in Chicago Illinois. Ashley George is an extremely hot shemale pornstar actress and she is extremely popular. She does a lot of web cam sex on her website and she sure knows how to tease. On the link about I think there are about three porn movies of her if I remember correctly. If I remember correctly two of them are her on webcam.

As far as her bio is concerned Ashley George is eastern European in ethnicity. She was born February seventh nineteen ninety one. Like I said she is a resident of Chicago unless she has moved recently. She is five feet and seven inches tall. Her eye color is hazel. Her hair color if black. Of course it may not remain black because shemale pornstars change there hair color frequently. But she has a breast size of 34 DD/E. Her penis size is six inches. And she like sushi and shopping. Anyhow the next on this list is a real wowzer:

Bailey Jay

Bailey Jay Mobile

Bailey Jay Juliette Stray Video

If you know anything about the best shemale pornstars then you definitely know who Bailey Jay is. No doubt about it. Bailey Jay has won an award at the AVN Awards. I don’t know specifically what that award was but it is a pretty prestigious outfit so it has to be for something really good. Obviously transsexual porn. She has been in shemale club plenty of times. She is quickly rising to the top of the shemale pornstars mountain.

Bailey Jay has starred in a whole lot of DVD videos. Here and Domino Presley made a movie called “Transsexual Superstars: Bailey Jay”. She also made a video called “Bailey Jay Is Line Trap”. That movie is all about the cutest 18 year old All-American T-Girl next door. She also starred in “Joey Silvera’s The Next She-Male Idol 2″. That movie had a big cast. It had Karolly Mel and Jessica Fox. It also had Bee Armitage along with Naudy Nadia and Christian XXX. He is the guy who has a shaved head and does a whole bunch of transsexual videos. Pablo Montejo and Mark Frenchy was also in the video. That movie was a huge sensation. It was a three hour video that was shot in two thousand and ten.

That same year which was two years ago she made a movie called She-Male XTC 7 and that was produced by the Evil Angel film company. That movie had a huge cast. Carla Abiazzi and Fernanda Hot. Stefanny Gold and Annalise. Sabrina Sherman and Labelly Sandorram. Dany De Castro and Luana Lima. Along side Raissa Nevada and Bruna Rodrigues. That was definitely a great video with some very very fine shemale pornstars.

That same year she did a video called “She-Male Idol: The Auditions 2″. That is almost a three hour movie. The cast in that video is Fabio Ribeiro. Karolly Mel, Ana Paula Samadat and Raissa Nevada. It also had Britney Markham, Bee Armitage and Ariel Everitts. Most of these movies are produced by the Evil Angel film company.

The following years Bailey Jay made a video called “She-Male Police” with with the hot and fabulous Jesse. Aly Sinclair and Kimberly Kills. Along side Domino Presley and Honey Foxxx. That is a kinky fetish three hour video.

Bailey Jay did a follow up movie called “She-Male Police 2″ and that movie starred Holly Sweet and Jasmine Jewels.Juliette Stray and Ashley George.It also had Danika Dreamz in the video.

Carmen Moore

Carmen Moore is an American Indian transsexual. She is from the Navajo Indian tribe. I found this extremely interesting since I dated an American Indian shemale myself. She was also from the Navajo Indian tribe. Back when I lived in that part of the country. I am sure if you investigated each of the transsexuals lineage you would find that they are both related. If you had the time. I don’t have that much time obviously.

Carmen Moore is currently living in Las Vegas unless she has moved. She was age twenty one when she got in the business of shemale pornstars. She has brown eyes and brunette hair color. That is all I really know about Carmen Moore.

Holly Harlow

Holly Harlow is also a new to the transsexual porn star business. My guess is that she is twenty one ore twenty two now. She got in the business when she was eighteen. Holly Harlow has had her website up for about a couple of years now I am guessing. Don’t quote me on that. That is all I really know about Holly Harlow so if you need more information she may have more now on her website.

If you click on the link above I have about for hot as hell shemale pics of Holly Harlow getting a blow job. By the looks of those pics I am assuming she has some great videos but I have never seen any of them.

Jasmine Jewels

Jasmine Jewels we do know a lot about from her shemale movies. She is one of the top shemale pornstars and for very good reason. Jasmine Jewels is very aggressive in her videos and she loves to dominate men. Jasmine Jewels has an extremely raunchy dominating style just like we like. If you click on the link about you will see what I am talking about.

Jasmine Jewels has a movie at the link about where she is doing a hot as hell solo masturbation scene. Just wait until you here her talk. That is why Jasmine Jewels really stands out in the shemale pornstars category. She is very dominating. She comes from a corporate back ground before she got into porn. That would explain why she is so raunchy and dominating. She has probably been quite conservative in the corporate field and now Jasmine Jewels is expressing her wild side.

TS Jesse

Anyone who knows anything about shemale pornstars knows TS Jesse. TS Jesse is one of the top shemale pornstars and has starred in many many movies. TS Jesse is the star of Joey Silvera’s Big Ass She-Male Road Trip: Volume 12 which is a great video with great shemale pornstars. It is an Evil Angel video production and stars the following shemale ponstars. Diana and Nicole Star. Joice and Tylany A. Danielle Foxx who we all know about. She now goes under the name “sex change girl” because she has had a sex change operation. This video was before her sex change operation.

The video also stars Trinity Post and Monik Corran. Also Agatha Rangel and Jeana James. Jesse is also in the She-Male Police video that I described above under Bailey Jay.

TS Jesse is also in the video called ” America’s Next Top Tranny: Season 6″. This particular has won the AVN awards last year. It was a huge hit thanks to shemale pornstars like TS Jesse. This video is also said to be one of the best shemale pornstars video of all time. And considering the amount of transsexual pornstar videos that are now out that is a huge feat to win. That just goes to show how hot of a performer Jesse really is. She has a very big transsexual cock too.

TS Jesse has also been in the Devils Film video production called “Transsexual Babysitters: Volume 12″. This video also stars TS Paris, Morgan Bailey and Domino Presley. Since I am getting tired of writing I will just cut this short and mention all of the shemale pornstars videos that TS Jesse has starred in:

Big Ass She-Male Road Trip 12, Gia Darling Will Kick Your Ass, How To Please A She-Male, Rogue Adventures 32, She-Male Strokers 18, She-Male Strokers 22, She-Male Strokers 24, She-Male XTC, She-Male XTC 4, The Bitch got Balls 2, Tony Vee’s New York Shemales Volume II, Transsexual Babysitters 3, Transsexual Gang Bangers 14, Transsexual Prostitutes 43, Transsexual Prostitutes 49, Transsexual Prostitutes 50, Transsexual Prostitutes 52, Big Ass She-Male Road Trip #14.

I have got the She-Male XTC 4 video and that is very very hot. TS Jesse gets a great blow job from a very young but very very hot girl. This post will be continued in a Part two. I am getting a little bit tired of writing right now.

Jonelle Brooks

Jonelle Brooks is also like Jasmine Jewels. She is on the more aggressive side. But not nearly as aggressive as Jasmine Jewels. Jonelle Brooks is from Daytona Beach Florida. Jenelle brooks has been in three major films that I know about. Probably more now. Jonelle Brooks has starred in T-Girls Solo 2 with Wendy Williams, Amy Daly, Brittany St. Jordan, Michelle Austin and Jesse Flores. (aka TS Jesse).

She also starred in USA T-Girls 4 with Vaniity, Danielle Foxxx (sex change girl),Sunshyne Monroe, Jenna Rachels, and Jenna. Her third film that I know about is Pin-Up T-Girls 2 with Vaniity, Danielle Foxxx, Sheeba Starr and Jenna (TS) again. I would assume she has made a few more videos by now because I have seen some interviews with her and she is quite active.

Keira Verga

Keira Verga is eighteen years of age. She is one of the hottest new shemale pornstars I have seen in a while. I like dark haired shemales. Keira Verga is both Colombian and she also part Brazilian in ancestry. As a matter of fact according to her website she is in her last year of hight school. So she has to probably be the youngest shemale pornstar to date at this time. If you go to the link about it will show you a one or two minute preview clip of her transsexual big cock action. She has got a great career ahead of herself in this field. Let us all hope she sticks with at and makes many many shemale porn videos!

Kimber James

Kimber James. We all know who Kimber James is. She is a much much sought after shemale pornstar in the transsexual adult video world. Kimber James has made many many movies at a ripe very very young age. Kimber James has starred in Not Married With Children XXX. Her costars were Allyssa Hall, Brittany O`connell, Brooke Belle, Dane Cross, Emy Reyes, Eric Swiss, India Summer, Kagney Linn Karter, Kora Cummings, Madison Scott and Peyton Leigh.

Kimber James has also starred in and completely features in a transsexual video called Buddy Woods Kimber James. This movie was all and completely about her. There are actually at least twenty different adult films that Kimber James has starred in. The list is just completely too long for me to go over in this particular article. But the bottom line is that she is pumping out movie after movie after movie of hot sweaty super charged transsexual pornstar action. I have some hot videos of her on this website so be sure to check them out. The one video id super hot!!!

Mandy Mitchell

Everyone in the transsexual porn fan field knows who Many Mitchell is. No doubt. As a matter of fact go to the link above and see the free solo masterbation video of Mandy Mitchell and you will be quite impressed by her work. Many Mitchell is making a lot of transsexual porn videos that are super hot. She fucks a lot of hot women as well. I could list the movies that she has starred in but like Kimber James the list is way way too long for me to do that in this article. Mandy Mitchell has her own distinct and completely unique style.

Mandy Mitchell is now one of the worlds greats in the wide open world of shemale pornstars. I cannot emphasize enough how excellent her videos are and you will see that on the movie link above. For shemale pornstars she is a “top dog” in the field and she is growing and growing in greatness. I would assume she will be part of the top shemale pornstars for many many more years to cum! So don’t miss out on the free movie from the link about. I think I have a couple of other free Mandy Mitchell videos in the shemale videos category with her as well. But not positive off the top of my head.

Mariana Cordoba

Everyone knows who Mariana Cordoba is if the know anything at all about shemale pornstars. Mariana Cordoba is the number one shemale pornstar in the world in terms of popularity. She is the shemale with the biggest cock. At least as far as white girls are concerned. Nobody even comes close to Mariana Cordoba in terms up pure size.

Not only that but Mariana Cordoba is also super attractive as well. I don’t know if I could say that she is the best looking shemale pornstar because that is all based on personal preference. But she is definitely up there in terms of attractiveness is concerned. She is tall and she has an incredible ass. Mariana Cordoba has a specific look that is absolutely unique to her.

At the same time nobody could ever say that Mariana Cordoba is not one of the hottest transsexual porn stars either. She can definitely compete with what anyone considers the hottest of the hot in the shemale pornstar specific category. Brunet I think is the color of her hair but I am not not all that versed in hair color abstract terminology so I am not positive about that.

But Mariana Cordoba is definitely the number one ts porn star in the world as far as popularity is concerned. Nobody could argue with that unless they are just pure crazy. With that being said Mia Isabella may be number two right behind her if I am not mistaken. Again I am not completely positive about that yet but I am pretty positive about that to say that I think it is true.

I have a specific Mariana Cordoba pics category above and I also have a specific Mariana Cordoba videos category above as well. The ladyboy revolution fans like Mariana Cordoba the best when they visit the ladyboy revolution website blog. We will be adding many many more of her pics and videos as well.

So if you like Mariana Cordoba and you want to see more of her make sure you bookmark this shemale pornstar website or at least bookmark those specific categories because we will be adding many many more of her pics and her videos as time goes one. As time goes on we will be better at refining our searches for a more comprehensive approach to finding her best pics and videos as well.

Mia Isabella

Just like everyone under the sun who is into shemale pornstars knows who Mariana Cordoba is everyone under the sun also knows who ts porn star Mia Isabella is. Mia Isabella is the second in line behind Mariana Cordoba in terms of pure raw and hardcore transsexual porn star popularity. Mia Isabella also has a hug girl cock. Not only that but Mia Isabella is also one super hot transsexual porn star.

Mia Isabella is also quite young. I think her age is maybe twenty six but I am not positive about that. I think she was twenty six years old last year if I am not mistaken. But Mia Isabella has also made a whole host of hot porn videos as well. Mia Isabella is and I would almost say definitely second place in terms of sheer porn star popularity in the shemale pornstars specific niche of pornography.

Because of that Mia Isabella has been doing a lot of traveling to Hollywood California for a lot of photo shoots. I am not sure but she may actually live in Hollywood California now. Not sure about that but what I am sure about is the fact that Mia Isabella has a very long and prosperous career ahead of her now in the tranny porn movie and picture niche. Mia Isabella is on her way to the top and is basically already at the top right now in this field.

Morgan Bailey

Morgan Bailey has also starred in a whole lot of DVD videos. TS Playground # 2, Morgan Bailey’s Bad Day, Transsexual Babysitters # 11, TS Playground, She-Male Strokers # 55, Next She-Male Idol # 3, American Tranny, American Stroker Party, USA T Girls # 3, Transsexual Babysitters # 14 , Shemale Strokers # 42, Pin-up T Girls, She-Male Strokers # 36, Transsexual Cheerleaders # 3, and I could go on and on and on. Morgan Bailey has aslo done a lot of work with Bobs TGirls and Shemale Club.

Morgan Bailey became part of the shemale pornstars club starting making adult videos back in 2008. She was a tattoo artist in Chicago Illinois. Morgan Bailey has many many extremely sexy tattoos and that is why. Her tattoos are very very sexy and give her a more wild girl kind of a look. Then after that when she started making adult transsexual videos she moved to California. She did a great shemale gang bang video with a mechanic garage back scene. I remember seeing that video and it was very very hot and sexy. She is a true champion in the shemale pornstars category.

She was also a bartender back in Chicago but she said she got licked out of every establishment she worked at for fucking everyone. That is definitely a true transsexual porn champion with a great attitude. That is why she makes a great porn star.

Natassia Dreams

Natassia Dreams is a hot transsexual porn star in the black ebony category. Natassia Dreams is probably the worlds hottest black ebony TS pornstar. She has made very many videos and she is still working hard to make many many more transsexual movies. She has her own full length DVD video called Transsexual Superstars Natassia Dreams. That particular video has six super hot gender bending shemale scenes that is sure to blow your socks off. It was produced by shemale club and it also stars Christian XXX. He is the guy with the bald head who is a real superstar and specializes specifically in fucking hot transsexuals. It also has in it Gabrielle, French and a guy named Vince.

I actually have the video with the scene of Natassia Dreams and Christian XXX. It is located in the shemale pornstars category and after I fix up my navigation system it will be easy to find. I am currently working on the navigational system so that everything will be easy to locate. But for now if you want to watch the video it is free and you can find it by doing a simple search in the search bar at the top.

Nody Nadia

Nody Nadia is a brand news ts porn star. Nody Nadia is a black ebony flavored transsexual. I honestly do not know much about Nody Nadia besides the fact that she is like Natasia Dreams in that she is ebony black. She is so new that is why I do not know that much about her yet besides the fact that she looks good. I have one free video of her on the above link page. And if I am not mistaken it may be a full length video. Or at least a fifteen or twenty minute Nody Nadia video. So if you want to see it you can go check it out.

Olivia Love

Olivia Love is from the old school. She has been around for a long time now and she has been making transsexual movies from the very beginning. Olivia Love is actually deaf. That is what I like about her. She brings to the ts porn star niche a completely original style and uniqueness that is missing in the adult porn transsexual world. Olivia Love is also a great actor on film. She has had the time and experience that only time and experience can bring to the table.

I have seen Olivia Love in some of the old time original transsexual porn videos. One video in particular that comes to mind is a shemale orgy video. Her and Vaniity and a couple of other transsexual porn stars take on one guy for a screaming shemale orgy that comes to a screaming orgy climax. The movie is an olde but definitely a goodie. Olivia Love also teams up with Jasmine Jewels and double teams a guy in another super hot transsexual video which I have on this website. Go to the shemale videos category and you can watch this super hot transsexual video. It is super hot and super sexy.

And if you go to her official website she has an introduction video that shows her talking in sign language before she starts showing hot video clips of her in sex action fucking and getting fucks. I really like Olivia Love and her original and totally unique style. She brings to the table what no other shemale pornstar brings to the table. She is truly a transsexual sensation.

Sarina Valentina

Sarina Valentina started in the shemale pornstar field back in the year two thousand and eight. She started her career off with doing some amateur posing over the internet. And after that little by little she stated to make some adult porn connections and ended up deciding to go full on into the transsexual porn industry. Sarina Valentina started her transsexual transition at the ripe young age of fourteen years young. So she has been a transsexual from when she was a young child. She has obviously got some serious experience at womanhood and now she is making hot porn videos and taking hot naked porn pictures. We get many hots and requests for Sarina Valentina.

Sex Change Girl

The sex change girl is actually the superstar transsexual porn actress Danielle Foxxx. Danielle Foxxx has had a full scale sex change operation and now her new porn name has transitioned into the sex change girl. Danielle Foxxx is also from the old school and has been making top notch shemale porn videos for a long time now. The sex change girl (Danielle Foxxx) has also got her own unique and original style. I am speaking of before her sex change operation.

Before her sex change operation Danielle Foxxx was a real stud in the bedroom and could fuck people super hard and super fast. She was an expert in fast fucking. Now that Danielle Foxxx has had her sex change operation I have not yet had the privilege and opportunity to see any of her new videos. But she get’s a lot of hits on this website so the demand for the new sex change girl is super high. People really want to see the sex change girl in action after she has had her sex change operation. If I know Danielle Foxxx and knowing her personality type before her sex change operation I bet one hundred dollars that she is just as good if not better now after her sex change operation. Three cheers for the sex change girl!!!

Sunshyne Monroe

Sunshyne Monroe I do not know a lot about yet so I will let her describe herself from her official website: “Hello, my name is Sunshyne and I’m a trannsexaul porn star. I guess you could say I’m the girl that you’ve admired from a distance but never thought you could have; I just wish you would have asked. Everything about me is sincere and I take pride in knowing that I stand out from all the rest. I have a passion for travel. I’ve now found my way to beautiful Houston, TX and this is where I’m currently based. Because I travel a lot, you’ll often find me in LA, as well as Chicago, or wherever someone might entice me to be. I can be so easily swayed for the right situation. If my friends were to describe me, they would probably say I was intelligent, engaging, perceptive, curious, and fun. I personally view myself as laid back, relaxed, silly, and yet sincere. It’s certainly not about the conquest for me, but the journey.”

Sunshyne Monroe is becoming very very popular in the transsexual movie industry as well. As a result she is starting to perform in more and more videos all the time. We definitely hope that Sunshyne Monroe produces more and more videos because she is definitely an excellent performer in her hot transsexual porn movies. She sure is rising up in this industry and that is great news for the future of transsexuasl videos.

Tiffany Starr

Tiffany Starr is the transsexual porn star who has the “girl next door look”, she is also a rising star in the world of shemale pornstars. She has made a great shemale domination video possibly for TGirl Fetishes but I am not positive if that was the video company or not. I saw the movie but don’t seem to recall exactly which porn company shot the video.

Either way Tiffany Starr is definitely rising up in the tranny video ranks and her girl next door look combined with her dominating style during sex is going to most certainly put her up into the ranks along side the top dogs in this industry.

TS FOXXY

TS FOXXY is a pure legend and is a very very highly ranked shemale pornstar. TS Foxxy has been around for a good long time and she has made a very long list of tranny videos. I think you could also say that TS Foxxy is “from the old school” so to speak because even though she is still definitely in her prime she could be considered a “founder” of the shemale pornstar niche because she has been around almost since the beginning.

Considering the fact that shemale porn has not been around for very long that is why I say TS Foxxy is a so called “originator”. I am speaking semantics. But TS Foxxy has some super great and super hot shemale videos out that are definitely guaranteed to knock your socks off!!!

Vaniity

Vaniity is also like TS Foxxy. She is from the old school of shemale pornstars and has also been around for a good long time. I think Vaniity has been around longer then TS Foxxy even. Not positive about that however. Vaniity has been making shemale pornstar videos for a long time now. She has got a long long list of the videos that she has made. Very long list. One video in particular that she has made was a gang bang video where about four hot transsexuals (including Olivia Love) gang banged one blonde haired guy. It is a fairly old video now but it is an excellent video. Vaniity and her name precedes her well. She is very well know through the world and is definitely one of the greatest names in transsexual porn.

Victoria Di Prada

Victoria Di Prada is somewhat new to the shemale pornstars business. I think she is from France and she is a very hot blonde. Just last night I saw a very very hot video of Victoria Di Prada having sex with a black guy. The video was very well done and the quality of the video was excellent as well. It was a very hot video and they were getting very very kinky in the movie. With that being said I think Victoria Di Prada will also hit the top charts if she keeps up the good work and keeps producing transsexual movies. She has the hot blonde look going for her so she will probably be making a name for herself if she persists and stays with it.

Wendy Williams

Wendy Williams is a whole different story altogether. Wendy Williams started making shemale pornstars videos and is not in the production side of things producing her own shemale pornstars movies. Wendy Williams has some hot shemale pornstars videos of herself but I don’t know if she is starring in them anymore or fully in the making and producing side of things now. When you go to the Wendy Williams official website you will see a whole bunch of other shemale pornstars on her website. That is because she is now running a multiple shemale website instead of just a solo shemale website. Wendy Williams has decided to get into the business end of things and has become a shemale video porn producer. I give her very much credit for that because that takes a lot of work.

There will be many many more shemale pornstars to come which we do not have on this particular web site yet. But this web site is growing and it is growing at a very fast and furious rate of speed. We will also be adding many many more shemale pornstars websites. If you go to the above navigation currently the first link in the left hand side you can find a list of the hottest shemale pornstars on the planet. We do not have all of them that are available on the world wide web as of yet but we are working towards that goal. That will take some time since there seems to be a new tranny website coming out every single new day so it would be impossible to list them all. So with that being said we just try and focus on the best first and add any new ones that seem to be of high quality.

We have just updated this website with a bunch of new and great videos and pictures. We have added a lot of new and good quality videos to the data base from all the hottest shemale pornstars. A lot more Jesse videos and Vaniity videos and a bunch of Mia Isabella videos. Many of these movies are very very long or full length shemale pornstars movies. And a lot more shemale pornstars pictures and excellent shemale pornstars pictures of galleries have been added to the database of quality movies.

We also have two full length movies coming up within the next few days. An excellent set of Mia Isabella Vaniity videos that are hard core and super great quality as well.

Shemale Pornstars

Hottest Best Greatest Shemale Pornstars

Andrea Nobili Shemales

Andrea Nobili Shemales is a very unique and a very sexy website for the various shemales because it is a shemale website that the transsexuals are mainly fucking the guys. That is why it is so popular. Many of the old time tranny videos are kind of pathetic because it is the same old rehashed bullshit porn from the main strait porn industry. What I mean by that is that it is the usual girl gives guy head guy fucks girl then cums on her face. Completely and totally predictable. Very very boring that way. Andrea Nobili Shemales is completely different in that respect. You will have many times at Andrea Nobili Shemales the trannies not only double teaming the guys but also the transsexuals gang banging the guys. That is why it is such a hot and completely uniqye type of website. We like originality! That is why we like Andrea Nobili Shemales a lot.

Bobs TGirls

Edit: at the time of this update 10/27/2012 Bobs TGirls has 615 shemale pornstars, 2,495 photo sets, and 614 video sets. That is HUGE!!! You will definitely get your money’s worth if you signed up for there premium membership. Bobs TGirls is a classic shemale porn website that has been around for a good long time. Bobs TGirls has a very very large selection of transsexuals and all of the top shemale pornstars are on Bobs TGirls list. I just wrote a post that has ab excellent interview from Bobs TGirls where they are interviewing the hot shemale sensation TS Jesse Flores. It is an excellent interview and it is all on video. The interview is approximately thirteen minutes long so if you are interested in watching it go check it out. It can be found under the “website” category or you can do a search for http://ladyboyrevolution.org/bobs-tgirls-ts-jesse-interview/10889. So yes Bobs TGirls is a top rated premium shemale website that has top notch premium porn that is absolutely excellent.

Horny Black TGirls

You guessed it Horny Black TGirls is all about black ebony transsexuals. Many of them have very big cocks as well. It is specifically designed for the ebony black shemale transsexual lover and they sure do have a lot of black trannies. At the current time of me writing this post they have exactly twenty one black ebony shemale pornstars on there list. I have never signed up to there premium service so I cannot give an honest review about that. It is rated good by a couple of different reviews that I have ready but you cannot necessarily go by that because the reviews could be biased. So my advise is is that if you are into ebony black transsexuals go to there website and see if you like it and are impressed then listen to your intuition. At least they cater to a specific niche and that is always a great thing.

Ladyboys Club

Ladyboys Club is the hottest new kathoey website that has the hottest ladyboys from Thailand and Bangkok. Ladyboys club has an entire A through Z model list now featuring the hottest kathoey ladyboys. This website believe it or not is still fairly new so I personally am not sure how they have managed to build such an incredible list of kathoey ladyboys in such a short amount of time. They have obviously put an incredible amount of money into this website and obviously had a lot of people working on this to build such an empire of kathoey ladyboys in such a short amount of time.

Latina Tranny

For me this website is actually very new to me. Tonight was my first time ever on it. But WOWZERS I was very impressed with the free introductory video that they had. All websites have an introductory video, so that is nothing special. But the video itself was definitely special because it was definitely unique. so for me I give this shemale website a definite thumbs up. Here is a description from there website about what you will see, and by the looks of it you will see quite a lot of latina tranny shemale

Private Transsexual

 Private transsexuals is a premium shemale website with many shemale pornstars and many shemales that are no necessarily pornstars but have chosen to remain private to the major publicity of the shemale pornstars world. They also have an A to Z directory and they have a whole lot of shemale porn models. They are adding to there database of shemales and ladyboys every day at a pretty fast pace so it is quickly becoming a major empire of transsexuals. They are connected and owned by the same owners of these previous websites so when you join privare transsexuals they will also give you access to at least eight of the other websites.

Interracial TGirl Sex

 Interracial TGirl Sex is actually pretty self explanatory. Interracial shemales and Interracial guys all having wild crazy sex. Here is a brief description taken directly from there official website:”Welcome to the first Interracial Shemale Site! Members get access to HDV Videos (downloadable), high quality picture sets, regular updates, Interactive Forum, and the best Interracial Shemale content on the net. Whether you want to see hot white shemales with big black dicks or see Ebony Trannies turn the role around, this site is for you!”

Shemale Club

 Shemale club is a highly popular HUGE website with a HUGE database of shemales. This website has been around for a long time or at least a long time as far as the shemale porstar genre is concerned. The have so many shemale porstars and shemale and ladyboy models that I am not even going to go through the list and cant because it is HUGE! At the time of me writing this they have been running there website for eleven years.

Shemale Scenes

 Shemale Scenes is very similar to shemale club but if I am not mistaken Shemale scenes is a bit more hardcore porn related. They also have a very very large database because shemale scenes is also owned by the same porn company as shemale club. The difference is that it is kind of like a porn tube where you can see the shemale video before you watch it so that you can quickly navigate to the proper video that is visually appealing to you.

TGirl Fetishes

 TGirl Fetishes is all about fetish shemale porn where the sex is much much more kinky and some people would say “twisted” compared to regular transsexual sex. It is a super hot website that is growing super fast because they serve the fetish community. A lot of shemales pissing on people and each other and that kind of thing. Bondage and disciple and things of that nature. They definitely serve to deliver to the people who love really really kinky sex and that is why they are doing so extremely good in that particular niche.

TGirl Pinups

 TGirl Pinups is like the old “happy days” television program type genre. Here is a description taken from there official website that explains them more perfect then I could:”Our website is dedicated to Pinups and Retro style photography and film! The most beautiful transsexuals of the web in HD hardcore streaming movies and High Resolution images. Pornstars like Vaniity, Sheeba Starr, Victoria di Prada , Giselle Milano, Olivia Love and many more beauties are featured on this site ! We are updating weekly with a new episode with matching pics and a solo picture sets as bonus! So if you are a true Pinup lover, then join our website today”

TransWorldAsia

 TransWorldAsia is one of my favorites because it is ladyboy kathoey related and that is what I like. I will also take a desciption from there website that describes how there website operates:”TransWorldAsia is a high quality website with amazing transsexual babes. We treat our models with respect and they perform to the highest levels; you see every inch of their gorgeous bodies, smooth, tanned, highly feminine – hot girls with something extra to show off. So cum inside we guarantee you’ll be stunned – leave comments for your favorite girl, text them, call them, even meet them; it’s all up to you! But firstly enjoy their photo shoots and videos all shot in superior high definition. This is Transworldasia.com, enjoy the ride”So these are the websites we have on the ladyboy revolution website so far and in due time we will be adding much much more. There will also be many many more kathoey websites going up and much much more kathoey porn or another words ladyboy porn. Stay tuned!

Shemale Premium Websites

Andrea Nobili Shemales

Gender bending beauty Mariana Cordoba is currently the king of the hill and the queen of the hill when it comes to the most popular shemale pornstar in the world. Nobody and I repeat nobody even comes close to her popularity. Mia Isabella is definitely second place and she is moving up the latter quick but currently she is not quite there yet. The first place goes to Marriana and that is because of three reasons that I can think of off the top of my head. First reason comes in two parts. Obviously her cock size. But not only that she is currently the only shemale pornstar who has the physical appearance that she has with her cock size. I am sure there are many other with her cock size but nobody that looks like her with her cock size.

Official Website

Another reason is because she is constantly making new pictures. She has got a whole lot of professionally done shemale pornstar pictures from a whole lot of photo shoots that she has done and that kind of production most definitely keeps her in production and in the public’s eye. By the way the best Mariana Cordoba videos and pics located in those two links or overhead in the categories on the links above in the navigation menu. ^  and below is her official website. This particular website (Ladyboy Revolution) get’s a whole lot and I mean a WHOLE LOT of requests for this super hot super hung transsexual porn star. She is what I would say “just a little” popular and yes I am being very sarcastic. Anyhow:

Mariana Cordoba

Mariana Cordoba

Mariana Cordoba sure is becoming or (has become) a shemale superstar. We are getting thousands of shemale ladyboy lovers here that absolutely love Mariana Cordoba. Why??? Because they are smart people with great taste in hot transsexual shemale pornstars. She has become famous and there is a reason for that. We all know that reason. She has the biggest transsexual cock in the business. A woman who knows how to please, and a woman who knows how to please and tease. A transsexual shemale pornstar on a mission. Here is the latest news from Mariana Cordoba and what is going on with her from her own words:

“You guys know that I am staying at my mother’s place, helping out with the house remodeling (it’s actually more of a reconstruction than a remodeling job), and although it’s been daunting there has been one small yet tasty reward: over one dozen sweaty men running around without their shirts on, accidentally bumping into me. Oh a girl couldn’t ask for more!

UPDATE: just found another hot movie we need to share with our ladyboy revolution viewers:

Ana Mancini two weeks before this video shoot got together with Mariana Cordoba to meet each other and this is what Ana Mancini had to say about Mariana Cordoba:

“So we got together to have dinner.  She was just amazing.  Not only is she naturally beautiful but a very, very nice person.  We connected right away.  What was really nice is that we talked about normal things, our lives, our businesses, our goals, our aspirations.  I don’t know how to really explain this but we didn’t talk like two transsexuals might when they get together.  Many times, they talk very “tranny”.  Stupid things about sex, and the size of someone’s penis, drugs, parties, just things I don’t really care for.  This is why I don’t have too many tranny friends, I am just not like that at all.

With Marianna it was so refreshing.  We went to dinner twice.  She confessed that she was a little nervous to be with me but was surprised at how fast we forged a good friendship (I was as well on both accounts).

So, I have been talking to her about when we can get together to film our session (BTW, I am back home from Buenos Aires now and feeling much better).  We decided to get together at a halfway point in a city called Rosario.  It’s very nice there and it has a movie theater (as you can guess, I am in dire need to see a movie, no theater in my hometown).  We will rent a nice location and do a session together just as many, many of you followers have requested.  So, be prepared, give me a couple of weeks.”

Now that ladies and gentlemen looks like one super hot Mariana Cordoba Ana Mancini video! Here are the official website both of Mariana Cordoba and Ana Mancini:

Ana Mancini

Mariana Cordoba

Mariana Cordoba Ana Mancini Sex Video

This Mariana Cordoba Ana Mancini Video

Shemale Techniques Mariana Cordoba

Shemale Techniques Mariana Cordoba

“I appreciate a good lover. A man who knows how to earn my asshole and cock and my cum. If a lover is good he can have anything he wants from me. I am very indulgent when the man deserves it. A lover that touches my skin softly, kisses my lips avidly, and sucks my cock frenetically will sure make me do whatever he feels like. Some of my techniques are an Asian masturbation, titty fuck or sucking his dick and swallow his cum. I am very versatile when it comes to accommodating a deserving lover. I was once told that sex was meaningless if not with me. Of course I don’t have a clitoris but it does not matter because my divine cock can do the job very graciously. So be careful my dear fans. My cock can be very addictive. Would you dare anyways?”

Her Official Website

Now that I believe is how a good transsexual should think. And think she does. If you have “read” some of our posts about her you would know that she is in the process supposedly of cuming to America from Argentina. Now I do not know anything about how the political situation is in Argentina but if it is anything like the political situation in America it is REAL BAD! Unfortunately American’s (most not all) are not very bright and they have no idea how bad and criminal things are in there own country because on the surface level it still looks not so bad. But that is a different kind of a discussion for a different kind of a website.

New Mariana Cordoba Website

Mariana Cordoba

We are not sure exactly how we are going to run this as far content is concerned yet. But what we do know is that we are going to use the ladyboy revolution website for mainly just videos we think. Not sure yet because we have a lot of fans who just love this hot hung shemale pornstar so that’s why we have to set up another website just for her and dedicated specifically for her videos and for her pictures and information. There is not a whole lot of information to be had concerning Mariana Cordoba even though we get a lot of requests for her information. We try to keep our “readers” happy by providing that information even though there is not a whole lot of information about her out there.

There is a whole lot of disinformation out there however especially concerning her height. Some reports say she is five feet nine or ten inches tall while other reports say she is six feet two inches tall. I am more inclined to think that she is six feet two inches tall as far as that is concerned. You can tell by her lehs that she is very very tall. But besides that super important information there is other more important information like her cock size. Some say she has a cock size if nine and a half inches while others say she has a cock size of twelve inches. I would definitely have to say her cock size is closer to twelve inches but I would be very hard pressed to beleive that it is ectually twelve inches in length. Either way it goes we are gonna investigate and get to the bottom of these extremely important life changing and world stopping serious issues on our new website!

Mariana Cordoba Website!

“A GLASS HEART”

Author: Paula Stephanie Mass

Sex Reassignment Surgery

Completed: February, 2009

Every Story Has an Ending but, in Life, Every Ending Has a New beginning…

Table of Contents:

Dedication; Pg: 5

Introduction; Pg: 9

1. My Birth; Pg: 13
2. Where was Father; Pg: 16
3. The Tragedy; Pg: 20
4. My first Memories; Pg: 25
5. The Little Firebug; Pg: 27
6. The Big Woods; Pg: 33
7. Forced Conformity; Pg: 37
8. The Evil Fury; Pg: 47
9. My School Days; Pg: 54
10. Snow Day; Pg: 59
11. Facing Reality; Pg: 71
12. The Musician; Pg: 75
13. The Athlete; Pg: 80
14. My rebellion; Pg: 83
15. Conclusion of My Youth; Pg: 85
16. The Army Reserves; Pg: 86
17. The Army; Pg: 87
18. The Big “O” Mistake; Pg: 88
19. Unforgiving Lies; Pg: 95
20. Civilian Life; Pg: 100
21. Witch Hunt; Pg: 101
22. Suicidal Hero? ; Pg: 111
23. Initial Training; Pg: 116
24. Journal of the War; Pg: 122
25. Welcome Home Soldier; Pg: 138
26. Final Countdown; Pg: 142
27. Self Deception; Pg: 151
28. A Letter from Home; Pg: 155
29. The Evil Fury II; Pg: 157
30. The Con-artist; Pg: 158
31. Forgiveness from Sister; Pg: 160
32. Turned Backs; Pg: 163
33. The Hearing; Pg: 167
34. Dangers; Pg: 173
35. The Fight Continues; Pg: 181
36. Re-union; Pg: 184
37. Hotel Visitations; Pg: 187
38. Phases of Transition; Pg: 189
39. Bathroom Issues; Pg: 195
40. Love Me? ; Pg: 196
41. Daddy’s Little Girl; Pg: 205
42. Balanced on a Sharp Edge of a
Knife; Pg: 209
43. A Letter to My Daughter; Pg: 218
44. The Opt Out; Pg: 223
45. Insult to Injury; Pg: 224
46. Religion? ; Pg: 232

Conclusion; Pg: 237

My Thanks; Pg: 243

Sex Reassignment Surgery

Dedication:

World War II: D-Day at Normandy Beach, France, a place and time in America’s history that we will never forget. It is also a place in time that my family and I will never forget either. It was the start of my history even though I wasn’t a twinkle in my parents’ eyes until 1965. It shaped my family’s future and how I came to be.
My father told me once of what happened on that day. My grandfather was a soldier in the navy during the invasion of Normandy Beach. He showed me a newspaper clipping and it stated, “He had a gunshot wound to the head on the beach and died on the ship.” I often ponder about him and wished I knew more about him since he gave the “Ultimate” sacrifice for his country.
This story is based on a true story of the horrors of hell caused to my family here on the home front and of the aftermath. I can almost feel my grandfather’s pain. I can only tell you what happened through word of mouth until my memory started in 1968. My family is all I can go by. Each has a slightly different story but basically the same. They all agree that after hearing the news of our grandfather’s death in the war, my father was completely devastated and had developed a chemical imbalance of the brain that would later unfold into the destruction of our family.
The wars have a devastating impact on today’s society from the inner cities to farms of Minnesota. My family was not the only one affected by the war. There are still millions of families with untold stories.
Our society has forgotten about our WWII veterans and their families. The “ULTIMATE” sacrifice of my grandfather as well as millions of other soldiers had gone far more than their share. The sacrifices devastated the root of our society. Families were left without fathers. The good names of these soldiers just drifted off into the graveyards.
I have been a soldier in the war of Iraq, (Operation: Iraqi Freedom I, II, AND III), and saw a glimmer of what the soldiers of WWII endured or any war for that matter. Even though I saw and did a lot, I can’t fathom what they really went through. Their real “post traumatic stress disorders” had an impact on the society back in the late 40′s, 50′s, and even many years after that. The national psychology association was not even sure of what to call these disorders of major proportions, so they just put the war veterans away like some sort of lab rats and did electroshock therapy and other horrid experiments in mental institutions. They were no better than the Nazis. The soldiers that could somewhat deal with their memories to some extent just drifted off or disappeared into mainstream society and never spoke of the war again. The war veterans that could not deal with their memories and weren’t dangerous just went on to be homeless on the streets. Where are our National Heroes now?
Well, I may not know what my grandfather’s name is, but he will remain a hero to me as long as I live. My children will know their Great Grandfather and his story too. They will be proud of him.

Introduction:

Presently, I am a truck driver and have been for years. I am very fortunate to be able to team with the most wonderful man in the world. His name is David. He takes good care of me and all of my needs as all women want. Like I said, “I am fortunate.” He has also had a hard life and can empathize to a degree of the misfortunes that occurred in my life. We are looking forward to the day when we can give up the truck driving and live our lives in a normal setting. You know the little white house with a picket fence around it? Let’s not forget about the flower garden.
Truck driving is not an easy profession as most people might think. There are great responsibilities of truck driving. Such as, not only do we have to look out for ourselves but we also have to look out for the other drivers on the roads, not limited to cars and pick-ups. As you know, some of these drivers, whether they are cars or other truck drivers, seem to have gotten their licenses out of a Cracker Jack box. It is very dangerous out here. There are no drivers that want to get into an accident unless they are suicidal, but as we know, they happen. There have been so many accidents. Too many to count and not all the victims make it out alive.
As I drive down the road, I have a lot of time to sift through my memories. A lot of them were good ones. BUT, there were a lot more bad than good and I have to be careful as not to go too far down that road. It can be depressing and I certainly don’t need that. I do love my life and how it turned out. I simply don’t like the way I got here. I have been wounded quite a few times and the scars left behind are sometimes hard to deal with.
From 1950 through 1965, there was an increased amount of children in who were born with abnormalities of gender identity issues and we are born with both gender genitalia to thalamus gland disorders (a woman’s brain). It could have been a much nicer life for everyone, if there were more education about gender identity disorders so people would be more accepting and maybe they would not have been hurt so bad. They treated me like a circus freak or a monster. This disorder caused harm to me, friends, and most importantly, my family because of the lack of education on all levels and that is what hurt me the most.
This story is my story and how I saw life through my eyes. Some names have been altered and/or removed from my story because there are a lot of mixed emotions and different religious views involved. There may be those in who disagree with my story but remember this is my story. Due to some of the violence and other graphic reasons, you may find that some of the content may not be suitable for you or your children.
My intent of this book is to educate the World that there is too much hate and violence against people that are different and if they were educated about people that are different then they would realize that we are beautiful human beings and are capable of love and understanding if given a chance and not discriminated against.
If you drop a glass, it most likely will break. It is possible to glue to pieces back together and it hold water but the cracks will be clearly evident. My heart is like glass and has fallen down and broken into a million pieces. I am just putting the pieces back together, one by one. The cracks in my heart are emotional scars that will remain there for the rest of my life. No matter how well I rebuild my life, I know there are those who also had broken hearts due to this story.

So, here is my story of my Glass Heart.

1. My Birth:

On the last day of the first week of the tenth month of 1965, I was born with a deformity into a world of complete chaos. My mother, Louis, was alone in the hospital while she was in labor with me. My father told Louis to name me Paul Samuel since he named all eight children preceding me. All the children were named after people of the bible except Junior.
Louis decided not to name me that, instead she called me Paul Stephen since father was not there to contest it. Was there a reason she changed my name? Yes there was.
You will clearly see as I found out later in life how it rocked the very foundation of my world.
When Louis brought me to our home after her recovery, it was to a worn out farm house right off of snake creek road. There was a swinging rope bridge that they had to walk across before they could even reach the house. They had to park the car on the road. This house was so old and torn that it had cracks in the walls. It made for very cold winters. Louis and my siblings worked really hard my first winter just to keep warm as the older boys went hunting for meat and chopped wood and the girls had to drag the wood to the house. The previous summer, they had a very fruitful garden and a lot of canning had been done. So, we had plenty of vegetables and meat to eat. We never went hungry.
When I was seventeen and had first met my mom, I had asked Louis where a scar came from on my little pinky finger because I did not remember hurting that finger throughout the years. She informed me that when I was a baby during my first winter in my crib, a rat had gotten in there with me and decided to start eating me. She said that she heard this blood curling scream from my crib and she ran over there to see what the matter was. She said that she had gotten sick to her stomach when she had seen what the rat had done. Since she had no way to the hospital because our father had taken off with the car and left her, she had to sew it up herself. She said that I was very lucky to even have that finger.
The next spring, a massive fire had taken our home. We had to move to town. To a white three story wood framed house that still stands today on Cherry Street in a small backwoods town called Montrose.

Sex Reassignment Surgery

2. Where was Father? :

From what I gather from mom and my siblings, father had gone off the deep end and lost touch with reality. He beat the children as well as mom. He injured my oldest sister, Suzanne, really bad using a razor strap leaving cuts and bruises. He took off before I was born. I had seen my father only one time when I was seventeen. We had talked a few times on the phone since then and he had written coded letters that I was not able to read. I cried out to him over the phone in the spring of 2006 pleading with him to let me talk to my daddy. I wanted my daddy to come back to me one time in my life because I wanted answers. He was truly crazy. But for a short moment in his crazed mind, he seemed to come back to me. He was speaking coherently and explained to me of what happened from his perspective.
These are the facts that I am sure about him: He was extremely intelligent and way before his time. He had graduated from college at a very early age. He was in the signal corps in the army stationed in Japan during the Korean War. After his return from his tour of duty, he took up as an apprentice in surveying and eventually ventured out with his own surveying crew.
This is where he started to tell his side of the story. He was out on a surveying mission near Washington DC in 1965. He apparently stumbled across something that he should not have seen. He told me what is was but I can’t remember. I just remember that it was illegal activity that some government officials were involved with. The officials had chased him and his crew dismembering some of their limbs and killing some of them leaving father with his legs broken in six different places. (Fact: father’s legs were broken.) Some of the local Native Americans found father in the woods somewhere in the north eastern mountains of Pennsylvania. How he got that far is beyond me. The natives nursed father back to health.
Those government officials found out that father was still alive and decided to take care of this problem once and for all. They went to this area where the tribe was at and kidnapped the Indian chief, Chief Miracle, for dad to come out. Father said that he knew they would kill the chief anyways so he and some council members decided to overtake these thugs and that they did. One of the council members was killed and father wound up saving the chief’s life and as the custom was, they became blood brothers and father found refuge there for the rest of his life as a member of their tribe. Afterwards, he moved to Canada and disappeared for eighteen years so the tribe would never be harmed again.
This is his story. I did not know if this story was true or not. Could he have fabricated the whole thing? As convincing as it was, it seemed a little farfetched. Now, I was confused as to who was telling the truth because as for everybody else, they told a completely different story.

3. The Tragedy:

I was approximately eighteen months old when tragedy hit our family like a ton of bricks.
Louis had met a gentleman that loved her and was willing to take on the responsibilities of our family and let me tell you, that was quite a task.
While dear old grandma, dad’s mom, was willing to do anything to destroy Louis because of her lack of knowledge, prejudice, and hatred. Grandma could not stand to even be in the presence of Louis because she was blaming her of what she did to her son. She blamed her for making him go crazy and put in a mental institution. She hated Louis with a passion. Louis did commit adultery more than once. The final affair was with a Puerto Rican. Grandma had enough of her daughter-in-law’s insolence. There was no way that her grandchildren would be raised by a damn Puerto Rican. How dare that whore do this! Well, that would be unspeakable and she would not allow it since she was the boss since dad left.
Louis finally went overboard. She had gotten pregnant by this disgusting
Puerto Rican freak. Grandma would put a stop to this. (Keep in mind, I am only depicting grandma’s point of view. I strongly disagree to hatred, bigotry, or racism. I personally know what it is to be hated.)
While Louis was in labor in the hospital and her boyfriend was at work, working really hard to be able to support my enormous family, grandma was working real hard on a diabolical plan to rid her beautiful grandchildren of her adulteress daughter-in-law and this Puerto Rican. So, grandma sent her step niece and her boyfriend over there to baby sit us knowing that they were dope heads. While they were there, they smoked up a storm. They got so stoned that they ate all the food in the house and left us there unattended to get some more weed. “PEACE OUT MAN!”
Grandma knew they would do this. She had a friend in the social services. They had previously conspired to implement grandma’s evil plan. She knew this was the perfect time.
Louis was having complications with her pregnancy and grandma knew it. She was in the hospital trying to keep from losing their baby. While she was in there, she overheard someone talking to her nurse about what was happening with what her
Mother-in-law was doing. The stress was too much for her to bear and she lost her twins. The local hospital was only two blocks away from Cherry Street. In her weak body, she just left the hospital on foot and tried to get to her babies as fast as she could in her robe and slippers before the child services got to them. She had made it as far as to the end of our street and she started to collapse. Her boyfriend had heard about what they were doing too and tried to get there and met Louis and caught her before she hit the ground. He gently laid her down with her head in his lap as they were both crying. While they were weeping, they watched the social services car go by and saw her babies screaming for her through the back window. They just stayed there in each other’s arms and cried.
The ambulance came and took Louis back to the hospital and medicated her so she would not feel any pain. They then admitted her into Clark Summit mental hospital because she wanted to kill that bitch that took her babies away.
I am not sure of how long she was in there but when I met my Mother for the first time when I was seventeen; she told me that when I was three or four years old, she saw me in town being held by a foster parent. She cried out to me to come to her and I drew away from her in a crying fit. The foster parent taught me that she was a bad woman and to stay away from her.
They left the two oldest children for they could legally take care of themselves. Ironically, my oldest brother got in trouble with the law for stealing a car and my oldest sister got pregnant at fifteen and had four more before she was twenty two.
As for Louis’s boyfriend, I heard tell that he died at the hands of a hit and run driver. The hit and run driver never got caught.
To this day, I don’t remember a thing about any of this as we were all split up and placed in different foster homes.

4. My First Memories:

It was about 1969 when the men landed on the moon and returned in a capsule in the ocean. I was forced to watch this historic event because I was sick on the couch. I really did not know the significance of this event. I was only four.
I also remember other things like music. I just loved Karen Carpenter’s song; On Top of the World. I had memorized every word of it at that age and even sang it to my children when they grew up.
But mostly, I remember playing with the other foster kids. We played hide and seek, chased fire flies, and oh, for the mud pies. I was the master cook of them. From tea parties to playing doctor, to playing dress up, we played and played and played.
I thought that my life was pretty darn good. There were nine children, in all, at any given time. There was certainly plenty of fun to go around. There four boys and four girls and then there was me, the ninth child. I just thought that I was one of the girls because I was dressed as a girl as far back to my earliest memories. I never gave it much thought until one day we were playing doctor and I realized that I was different than the other girls. I had no idea why I had a “hoo hoo” and they didn’t. So, I hid my “hoo hoo” so I could remain one of the girls.

5. The Little Firebug:

It was the summer before my first year of school when my foster parents went away for their twenty fifth wedding anniversary when I discovered what fire could do.
I was just playing around the yard and was getting bored with that. So I had gone inside to see what I can get into that might be fun. That old house had two stories and a basement. The upstairs were bedrooms only. The downstairs had the usual kitchen, dining room, living room, and bathroom. There was a playroom off to the side of the house. It was added on later. The basement was just for storage. The basement was deemed off limits to the younger children. So I decided since the babysitters were too busy to watch every move I made that I would venture down there to see what the big deal was. There were a lot of canned foods, beer, and all sorts of nifty things that I could get into. I noticed a big box of fire sticks that I had seen the big people light the fires in the fire place and cigarettes.
So, I wanted to try to see if I could light one of these matches. Much to my surprise, it lit up quite easily. There was a brown paper sack full of clothes in the corner behind the stairs. I wanted to see if I could start them on fire. So, I lit the fire. Well, that was boring. So, I just blew out the fire and went about with my playing back outside not having a clue that the fire would reignite on its own.
I was outside for some time and looked up and noticed that everyone was running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I was curious about that. So, I just meandered out from the field to see what all the excitement was about. WOW! A fire truck was in our driveway. I really liked fire trucks. The firemen were running about; in and out of the house. Then everybody seemed to settle down. I was still curious as to why they were there in the first place. So I tugged on one of the fire men’s’ jackets and asked him why they were there. He responded angrily and told me to wait right there and that someone wanted to talk o me. I did what I was told.
A fireman in a white helmet walked towards me with a very mean look on his face. He grabbed a hold of me by my ear and dragged me to the back of the fire truck. He sat down and put me over his knee and spanked me while explaining the dangers of fire.
I did not like firemen any more. Trust me. After that day, I learned my lesson about playing with fire. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how they knew it was me that set the fire. I did not think anyone knew I was in the basement.
While I was being disciplined about fire by the big, bad, and fat fire chief, I noticed a line of people forming. The babysitter, a couple of the next door neighbors, the older foster kids there, and worst of all, my evil brother and they were all arguing, pushing, and shoving each other to be the next one to spank me. I really thought these nuts had gone completely insane.
When it was my brother’s turn, I busted loose from his mighty grip and headed for the hills as fast as I could. He ran after me and I was just a booking it when he caught up to me. I did a ninety degree turn on him as he grabbed me by my shirt. I stopped dead in my tracks and flipped him on his back knocking the breath out of him and I kept running so hard that no one else would catch me. I ran till I could not run anymore. I was so out of breath and just collapsed near a boulder next to the big woods.
Later that evening, everybody was calling my name trying to get me to come back home and I refused to go back to those nutty people. And they thought I was crazy? I was in amazement that these nuts actually were pushing and arguing on who was going to spank me next. What was wrong with that picture? I was only six years old for crying out loud!
I stayed out for the rest of that night and most of the next day. I then realized that I was getting hungry.
So, I reluctantly walked back to the house. Everybody was gone, so I went to the garden and ate some fresh vegetables.
My foster parents were due back some time that day and I was scared to death of what they were going to do to me. I saw them drive up in the drive way as I was still hidden behind the shed. I heard my brother giving his version of what happened before they even got to the door. Then the rest of the kids started in. My foster mother got sick of hearing it and told everybody just to shut the hell up. She called my name really loud. I knew that if I did not come when she hollered it would make it worse. I decided that it would be best if I just went in there and faced the music and so I did. I got beat. My butt was really sore after that.
Believe me when I say this, “I will never play with fire again!
6. The Big Woods:

It was in early autumn when the leaves just started to turn into beautiful colors and the temperature was cooling from the heat of the summer and there was not a cloud in the sky when I experienced one the most traumatic and devastating events of childhood that would carry on with me throughout the years Unknowingly, later in life, that event would come back to haunt me. I was almost too young to remember this horrific event, but I will do the best I can to remember specifics. Trust me; the event itself is enough to remember.
You could hear the leaves blowing in the trees and feel the chill in the air as the fall was setting in while we played behind the house in the big woods because it was fun and lots to do. Besides, it kept us away from those evil foster parents. One of the older foster brothers wanted to play with me and be my friend. He really treated me nice and tried to stick up for me when the others made fun of me.
Unknowingly to me, he had ulterior motives as to why he wanted to play with me. He sweet talked me into going into the big woods to play. He wanted to play king and queen and we got into a little argument because I wanted to be the princess. Well, since he was bigger than me, I just played along even though I had to be the queen. I hated it. I did not want to be married to him anymore because I was still mad at him when he started to tell me how married people “did it”. It was not fair. He kept on about the marriage thing and I did not want to play anymore and started to cry. He got angry with me and then threw me down on my back and took total advantage of me.
I certainly hope you understand as to why I don’t want to go any further with that segment of the story. That event was not a onetime thing. I was so ashamed and blamed myself for what happened and wished that I had not been born.
The reason that event was repetitive was that I told my foster mother about what had happened to me and she backhanded me. She told me to shut my f’ing mouth and called me a liar and she spanked me really hard for lying. She did not believe me. Come to find out, my blood brother had seen what happened to me in the woods and for whatever reason, beat me to the punch about informing our foster mother.
According to one of the foster sisters, He apparently had told our foster mother that I was mad at our foster brother and would say anything to get him into trouble. He told her that whatever story I came up with was a lie.
My own blood brother could have prevented it from happening again and he IS the main reason that I got repeatedly raped.
Even today, I sometimes cry out loud with real tears of pain because of what happened back then. The fact of the matter was that I was lied about, deceived, used, and abused. I realize that I am no longer a victim of those tragedies but a survivor of those horrific events.
People sometimes ask me what’s wrong and I simply tell them, “nothing”. Just like now, I have to wipe this keyboard down so my tears won’t hurt it.
This is the first time that I have totally opened my mind up to speak of these horrid events since they occurred. I just wanted to be an innocent little girl but that did not happen. It is a crying shame that my innocence was lost to this brutal world at such a young age.

7. Forced Conformity:

Late summer of nineteen seventy two, I was six years old and was going to start my first year of school in kindergarten in the fall. I was really looking forward to going to school for the first time even though I did not know my A,B,C’s, or know how to read and did not care. I was going to school.
Anyways, in order for me to attend school, there had to be some changes to my appearance. I was not sure why they had to change anything. I had what they call today, ADHD and was hyperactive. I was malnourished and very tiny for my age.
I was forced to go to the barber shop for the first time. My imagination went wild while waiting for my head to get chopped off. I was distracted from what was going on with these neat little books with drawn pictures in them that were under the light stand in which I had never seen before. The pictures were pretty neat even if I did not know how to read.
I liked the one where a man in a red and blue body suit spinning spider webs out of his hands because he wanted to save his girlfriend. The pictures told the story quite well.
As I watched the old people get their hair cut by this machine that looked like it was from outer space, I knew what he was about to do to me.
It was my turn. Panic set in. I tried to run out the door when my foster father grabbed me by the arm and spanked me. He asked me where I was going and I told him with a whimper, “I want to run away so that mean mean man hurting everyone would not hurt me.” He laughed and said that it doesn’t hurt. I didn’t think that was too darn funny. So he and the barber grabbed me and put in the diabolical brainwashing chair with a piece wood across the arms of the chair.
I was kicking and screaming while they just looked at each other and nodded as if they could read each others’ minds. The barber let go of me and walked away. That was weird, what was he up to? I knew that they were contemplating on how they were going to torture me somehow.
Before they decided to chop my head off, I quickly jumped out of the devils chair and headed for the front door. I was headed off by the barber and I performed an evasive maneuver so well that the Navy Seals would be proud of me but, to my dismay, my foster father had beaten me to the back door and grabbed me again. It took both of those grown up men to put me back in that electric chair.
Again, I was kicking and screaming so hard because I didn’t want them to murder me. As they put me in that evil chair, I simply refused to sit still and was spanked repeatedly.
Finally they figured out what to do to make me sit still. Would you believe that they tied me to that death warming chair? I was so scared that I was petrified. I could not move a muscle.
Buzzing sounds ringing extremely loud in my ears as that torture device was going straight for the top of my head. It was like he was in slow motion. I saw some old country western movies and I thought maybe he was an Indian and wanted to scalp me.
My foster father was trying to assure me that what the barber was doing would not hurt me. You know what the funny thing was? He had no hair on top so how would he know if it hurt or not, duh.
I closed my eyes until that horrible buzzing sound stopped. I could not believe my eyes when they turned me around and made me look in the mirror. That monster made me look like a boy. I had a deep pain inside and cried really hard. I hated myself. I wanted to die.
After that nightmare was over, my foster father took me home while another nightmare was about to take place. I did not want to get out of the truck because I was embarrassed but he made me by whooping my butt once more. I had no problem getting out of the truck after that but, I still did not want to be seen.
Later that day, my foster mother had been shopping for school clothes. When she returned, she wanted me to try on the jeans that she had bought for me. She had been getting on to me about wearing female attire on earlier occasions, although she was the one who dressed me as a girl in the first place. I took heed to her demands but, at least, I could wear panties a panty girdle to hide my “hoo hoo” and get away with it. So I thought.
I was not aware of her trip to town and what her purpose was and got caught off guard. So when she told me to take my pants off, I was scared to death. I was afraid of what she would do if she found out. After all the beatings from the past about my lying about being taken advantage of and all, I knew this would be a dandy of a whooping. A beating that had rose above all the others was going to take place and I knew it. So, my foster mother decided to do it herself and she ripped my pants off and saw what I was wearing. I found out that day about what real child abuse was. I learned that all those beatings and the fact that rape was wrong and that this will be another day that will never be forgotten…….. Not now, not ever!

Her face turned to a shade of red that was becoming of her and steam seemed to come out of her ears and nostrils as she grabbed me by my right arm with a force that I never felt before by anyone and lifted me off of the ground, pulling my arm out of joint. She quickly turned around and grabbed the first thing she could find; a stick of fire wood about an inch to an inch and a half in diameter and about eighteen inches long with the little branches still attached. She commenced to beating me from my arm pits to my ankles causing great agonizing pain, cuts, and bruises. I started to lose my breath from screaming. She screamed over top of me telling me that I had to be a boy.
She just kept hitting me over and over.
As I was crying from the pain, my twisted and warped minded blood brother was poking me in the ribs where I was getting hit saying sarcastically, “does that hurt you little sissy?” The other foster kids saw him torturing me. So they joined in.
They all took turns poking at me and calling me names while I was still suspended in air.
I was all alone and my world caved in on me at the age of six. No one came to my rescue that horrible day. While I was still suspended in air, I started to drift off. I wondered, “Where was this spider man that I saw earlier in the barber shop? He saved his girlfriend, Jane. Why could he not save me?” I then stopped crying and went ahead and drifted totally off to sleepy town. Some may say that I passed out.
Somehow, I remember where I went in sleepy town. I went to a safe place where I did not feel the pain and agony anymore. I drifted off to a place where everyone was nice to me and would just love me for me. No one forced themselves on me. Hugs and kisses were everywhere. My real mommy was even there. She would not let anything happen to me.
As time went by, my foster mother and the child services decided that it would be in my best interests if I attended counseling with psychologists and psychiatrist. I knew exactly what they were doing and fooled them all. They would never figure me out again because I did not want to get beat again.
I never gave into that cruelty. Even at that very young age, I knew what she and the other children in that home did to me was wrong. I did not want to get beat like that again so I conformed. I conformed so well that it would almost lead to my destruction thirty four years later. She wanted to instill shame and she did a good job. I turned into one of the best con-artists in the history of my world.
Later in the story, you will see how I subconsciously found a person that reminded me so much of my old foster mother and married her. I can’t really explain that too well.
I was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. My personality was weighing heavy to turn into my father’s personality with the lying about who I was to myself and the rest of my world for so many years, and the paranoia, schizophrenia, and especially the anger built up through the years causing all of this. I hated the world for what they did to me. I hated myself, too.
I knew who I was and what I wanted to be but just could not face that foster mother again until that fateful day, December fifth, 2005.

8. The Evil Fury:

As you know now, the social services had placed one of my “alleged” blood brothers with me in all the foster homes prior to the age of sixteen. He was a blond haired, blue eyed devil straight from hell. Satan was even scared of this demon. He was indeed the cruelest of them all. He did more damage not just to my childhood, but my young adulthood as well. He still does it today whenever he has the opportunity.
Here is a series of events of this torturous monster that run together that will just blow your mind. I wonder if maybe you had a brother like this. I can sure empathize with you.
It was dead of winter of the biggest snow storm of the century in nineteen seventy six. We had an above ground pool with a deck that goes all the way around it. He was chasing me because, well, I can’t remember why since he did it all the time. I can tell you this. After all the running I did, I was a sure footed runner. I ran so hard and fast that he could not catch me. I ran up the stairs to the pool and ran around to the other side to catch my breath when that demon got up there; he tried really hard to catch me but could not. I was getting tired of this chase game and tried to make truths with him and he agreed but when I got to the other side where he was, he got mad and pushed into the pool and said, “die fucker!”. The ice broke and I went under the ice and where the ice broke started to freeze over. I certainly was panicking when he jumped in and pulled me out. He told everyone that I fell in and he had to jump in and save me. I was too sick to tell everyone what really happened. Oh, he became a hero for a day for saving my life.
Cu dos to the monster…
While I was recovering from the pneumonia that he caused, I was lying on the couch. He came in the living room and asked me if I wanted something to drink like lemon aide. My naive answer was yes, of course. He left the room and came back with a silver cup and gave it to me. I noticed that the cup was warm and told me that he heated it up for me. I said thank you. As I started to drink it, he started to laugh his fool head off. I, of course, spit it out immediately. He told me what he had done in between his laughing and I got sicker. He urinated in that cup. That was surely funny that I wound up in the hospital over that. I almost died. I was so dehydrated and pneumonia on top of it. I would not drink anything anyone gave me because I did not trust anyone. Every time I thought about what my brother did to me, I would throw up. Shortly after that, they removed my tonsils.
I was always the smaller child because he was three and a half years older. He would constantly hit me and call me bad names. I had a really hard time trying to fight him off. On the bus, both before and after school, he would come up behind me and hit me in the head with his class ring. He turned it upside down causing excruciating pain causing me to cry out loud and the bus driver would get mad at me and stop the bus and come back to where I was sitting and grab me putting me in the front seat after he spanked me. The other kids just laughed at me. He would tell lies about me in school. I got in trouble with the teachers and did not even know why. He would even make fun of me at the church and get the other kids involved with the teasing.
He pushed me down while I was running in cross country. I suppose that he did that out of jealousy because I was faster than he was. Sometimes he would just plain old slap me because, well, he felt like it.
The thing that I hold against him most is that rape issue when I was very young. He knew about it and called me a liar and convinced everyone else that I was lying about what our foster brother did repeatedly. Not only was I accused of lying but I got beat over and over every time I even brought the subject up.
You might say I hate him for doing that to me and I might have reason to, but if I don’t let it go, I might completely lose my mind and become a vigilante of sorts and we all know that is wrong. Getting even is not always the answer. But in cases like this, maybe a little vengeance is welcomed.
Everything I said about this monster and a lot more that I did not cover is completely true. I will stake my life on it.
Now that I am older and can see more clearly, I feel obligated to give this crack head a black eye one day. He and others like him absolutely need to be stopped in their tracks before they hurt others. These monster kids grow up into adulthood taking their hatred and bigotry with them. It is people exactly like this who are murdering us, lying about us, and implementing the most discriminating acts of violence against us that you could possibly imagine. That is a fact. I am living proof.
I was totally blown away when I found out the irony of this story about my evil brother. He is currently a owner of a small machine shop in Medical Lake, Washington while practicing evangelism on the side. That’s right, a preacher of sorts. I never thought that would happen to him. I thought he might wind up on death row for being a serial killer like Ted Bundy or John Casey or something to that effect. Not a preacher. I guess that he saw his financial advantages to being
a preacher because he certainly doesn’t act like one. He does have a “better than thou” attitude. No surprise there, he always had that.
This is not the last that you all will hear about this evil man. He comes back to haunt me more than once as the story goes. He uses his hypocritical evangelistic Christianity to chastise my family and I further. The odds are better to win the Georgia state lottery than for my brother to leave well enough alone. I am sure that he has more than one obsessive compulsive disorder. You all will plainly see how good conquers evil even with this man wrapped in a Christian blanket. This ma used and uses the Christ to do evil. How convenient, Huh? Don’t be fooled, he is not the only one.

9. My School Days:

In the fall of ’72, was the start of my first school year. I remember well of waking up that morning of my first day of school. I was the first kid up. It was still dark. Our foster mother was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and hollering, cussing, and trying to get all the kids up at one time to get them ready for school. It was a bit of a difficult task. I was the youngest of them all. There were nine in all.
My school was kindergarten. It did not start until the next day and I was disappointed. She sent me back to bed with a spanking but, I was way too excited to go to sleep. I sat at the doorway of my room and watched all the other kids getting ready. They were hollering and fighting over the bathroom and who goes first. Oh boy, I couldn’t wait for tomorrow to get here. It couldn’t get here fast enough.
Well, the next morning came as planned but this time our foster mother had to wake me up. She had all my clothes out for me to wear. I was a little depressed as I was putting them on. I was sad that the clothes were not girls’ clothes. Oh well, nothing I could do about it so I got dressed and went down stairs and ate breakfast. I suddenly noticed that all the other kids were gone.
Our foster mother explained to me that I had to get onto another bus. My bus finally arrived. I had to look at that funny looking bus twice. It was only a half of a bus. I was sad about the fact that I could not ride with the older kids but also very fortunate that the first year of school, I was away from the older kids but was way too young to know it at the time.
As I got on the bus, I noticed that the driver was a nice old lady that was really sweet to me. Wow, I can even remember her name, Esther Darrow. She welcomed me on board. I sat down and away we went. I happened to sit down next to a girl I knew from the Presbyterian Church we went to. Her name was Beth. She introduced herself to me and asked me what my name was. I was not mentally prepared for that so I just said who I was. She looked a little surprised but didn’t make a big deal of it. You see, she remembered me as Paula and when she saw me as Paul, she had not a clue of who I was. For all this time we knew each other, I was just one of the girls. We went on as usual in our young conversation of how excited we were to go to school for the first time.
When we arrived at school, there were a lot of buses there. The bus driver led us off the bus and to the classroom and met our teacher. I think her name was Mrs. Daugherty. When we got in the classroom, I noticed a lot of other children that I knew but they all didn’t recognize me. I kept quiet and felt alone but the teacher noticed that and got on my good side and made me feel welcome.
All in all, I did have fun that day and didn’t want it to end. I did not want to go back to our house. No one teased me there. They fed us cookies and milk. That was a big deal to me since I never had them together before. I got mad when they made us lay down on mats to take a nap. Oh man, did we ever play. They had a teeter tauter and a thing that went in circles that we could jump on and swings and slides.
I loved my first year of school. I made lots of friends. Most of them were the girls because I fit in with them. I did have one friend that was a boy. His name was Lonnie Cook. He was really nice to me. He heard what happened to me about the beating and felt compassion towards me. He later became my best friend.
As the school years quickly passed, I was fully aware of my feelings of wanting to be a girl but the system kept me in check. I was not able to open up. I always mentally reverted back to what that foster mother did to me before I ever went to school. I had seen how another child had been tortured in high school because he opened up about being gay. I am sure that everyone is quite sure on how cruel kids can really be. So, I continued to fool everyone into thinking there was nothing wrong with me. I tried to fit in.

10: Snow Day:

Sex Reassignment Surgery

Just like any other kid, I did have some fun and enjoyed most of my youth. It wasn’t all bad and a lot of the spankings were brought on by my own misbehavior. I could not blame everyone else for stealing the peanut butter especially when the evidence was planted all over my face. I did try though.
My memory is kind of hazy from the age of six until the age of twelve. For some reason, I seemed to have blocked most of it out. But, there is one day that will stick in the back of my head till the day I die. It was the funniest day of my youth. It was a day when I found out what a raccoon could do to the inside of an occupied house when let go in one. That’s right, it was a doozy. It was a day when my evil brother, in whom was supposed to be a genius or something like that, had gone completely stupid.
It was the day after the biggest snow storm in Pennsylvania’s history. The sun was glistening on the snow making it even brighter than it was. All the schools were closed and it was the perfect snow day for something exciting to happen.
After breakfast was over, all of us kids were getting anxious to go outside and play. There was so much to do like sleigh riding and horse playing. We were waiting at the door like horses before a race. Since I was very susceptible to getting sick, my foster mother made me wear three or four layers of clothes. I could barely move. As the door opened, the older kids just pushed me aside. At that time, my foster mother grabbed me by my arm and told me not to get into anything or else. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that since there was only snow out there.
So I went outside and looked around and saw everyone else was just a playing. So, I decided to go off by myself so I would not get into any trouble from those lying and squealing rats. I went out back and eventually wandered towards the big woods. The snow was so deep that every step I took, I would sink to my knees and sometimes to my crotch. It was really hard to walk.
Before I reached the big wood, my stupid brother tracked me down. I tried to run but it was impossible. He wanted to play with me. I am not sure why but he seemed to put his evil on the back burner that day or for a little while anyways. Since it was impossible for me to outrun him in the snow because he had longer legs than I did, he picked me up and threw me as far as he could and I would just land in the soft snow. I was not too happy about eating the snow but it was kind of fun.
One time that I had landed, I had hit a small pine tree’s base. It shook the tree and I noticed a big blob of fur hissing at me. It scared my brother half to death and he quickly pulled me away from the tree.
Out of nowhere, this knuckle head’s genius self came up with a brain storm. He decided to capture this raccoon alive. Oh boy, this I had to see. I was not really sure that I wanted to be part of it but, dang, my curiosity killed me. He convinced me to take my snow pants off so he could put the raccoon in them. He quickly tied the legs shut and told me to go to the other side to distract the raccoon so he could capture it. I did. I made lots of loud noises and the raccoon turned in my direction when out of the clear blue, I see super brother flying through the air. The amazing thing was that while suspended in air in slow motion, he seemed to have scooped the raccoon up and tie the waist of my snow pants with his belt before he even hit the ground on the other side. His voice even seemed to have been in slow motion. WOW! That was a neat trick. I had never seen anyone do that before. It was like he should try out for the Olympics or something. Maybe they need to make another event like the flying in air and capturing a raccoon event. I was sure impressed. The mighty hunter grabbed his catch and threw the sack, made out of my snow pants, over his shoulder. He made off for the house to show off his conquering of wildlife. I had a hard time keeping up with him, but as out of breath as I was, I managed to. As we were walking back, he told me that he wanted to tame this raccoon and keep it for a pet. I thought that he was nuts.
By the time we made it back, all the other kids had gone inside to get ready for our chicken noodle soup and sandwich lunch. You should have seen the look of triumph in my brother’s eyes. He was very proud of himself as we stripped our outer clothing off on the side porch. He had beaten me. He was on his way inside as he turned around to me and told me to keep my damn mouth shut because this was his story and I should not take any credit for capturing it. That was fine with me. I hurried to get my clothes off. I wanted to see this.
By the time I had gotten inside, he was busy bragging about his defeating wildlife. As I walked in, our foster mother had also walked in from the kitchen. She had heard what he was saying and calmly asked him where he had put the raccoon. He proudly answered, “Right here!”, as he was holding his sack up. Oh, he was so proud.
A look of surprise came from his face as he looked at her. She started to shake and the steam came out again as she hollered at him. “You get that damn thing out of my house right damn now!” Awe, poor pitiful evil brother, he had the, “everybody feel sorry for me”, look. He wanted to keep it for a pet. Then he looked at her and then at me with the saddest eyes a kid could have and turned for the door.
Watch out! Here comes the fun.
As he turned to go outside to let it go, one of the pants legs came untied and out came the raccoon. Our foster mother was shocked and so scared that she pushed one of the kids right out their chair and got up in the chair. As she stood there, she hollered at the top of her lungs, “somebody get me the g’ damned broom and boy, when I get a hold of you, you’ve had it. Get that over sized rat out of my f’ing house now, you little shit!” The girls were screaming as well. Man, it was noisy in that house.
Now, just think. This raccoon had never been in an occupied house before and was just as frightened as everyone else was. As he saw a human coming at him, instinct tells him to run, but where? Where could he hide and get away from these monsters.
So the chase was on. I was on the floor laughing my tail off with my stomach in knots. Oh it hurt. This raccoon discovered places in that house that no one ever knew existed before. Just when my brother thought he had him because he had cornered him the raccoon went right between his legs and jumped up on his back. Oh man, did he ever scream like a little girl. It was so darn funny. He was hopping around and screaming for someone to get it off of his back and no one helped him. I was in no position to help him. I just laughed harder. All the girls were on the chairs like our foster mother and the boys were trying desperately to recapture this natural born home entertainment. They couldn’t capture this raccoon to save their lives.
Then the raccoon jumped off my brother’s back and on the table it landed as our foster mother tried to hit it with her broom. The raccoon scooted around the table with elegance as the foreign objects flying around him. It did not scare him in the least bit. Soup and sandwiches went everywhere. It jumped down from the table and up on the kitchen counter and scurried along with ease when one of the boys’ tried to grab it. Papers, knives, and dishes gracefully went all over the floor as the raccoon makes another admirable escape.
I finally got to my feet, holding my stomach, and made it to the front door and opened it, still laughing of course, and the master raccoon made its way out as if nothing had ever happened.
The battle was over and the smoke cleared. You know, we had been hollered at a lot for the house looking like a tornado hit it. Now, it really did look like a tornado hit it.
As our foster mother calmly climbs down from her chair, I noticed that she had the weirdest looking stare. It was a cold blank stare with no emotion in it. I had never seen her like this. She walked straight up to my brother and grabbed his ear and twisted it making him cry. She said, “You’re coming with me, you little shit.”
That was funny too until she turned around to me and said in a calm but condescending voice, “I’ll be back for you in a few minutes.” I sharply asked, “What did I do?” She replied, “You’ll find out.”
That was the funniest memory of my preteen years. I still look back and laugh about it thinking about how my big, bad, and evil brother got the whooping of his life and boy, did he ever deserve it. We could hear the cracking of our foster mother’s red paddle that was shaped like a whale, in which we all knew all too well, on my brother’s butt as he was screaming at the top of his lungs.
When she finished with him, she made it back downstairs with that cold stare and grabbed me and spanked me for taking my snow pants off. It was weird because it did not hurt for once. So, I looked at her and I could see her face as she was trying not to laugh as she was spanking me. It was even too funny for that wicked woman as she thought about what had just taken place.
WOW! Did we ever learn what a GI party was all about that day? Our snow day turned into a cleaning up day. As we were cleaning up the tornado hit home, we all just kept laughing. Meanwhile, my evil brother was grounded to his room and didn’t have to clean up the mess. Lucky shit.

11. Facing Reality:

I was twelve years old in the summer before the seventh grade when my first reality strike would change my life forever.
I was completely brainwashed into thinking that my foster parents were my real mommy and daddy. I was really naïve and was told that they were retiring and we all had to move. Well, I liked that idea. I didn’t like that old house anyways.
I understood why the other kids were leaving one by one and I was extremely happy when that evil brother of mine left. I was the last one there. I really thought that I was going to go with them to Florida and we would live happily ever after.
Then my reality set in. The social worker drove up soon after my brother had left and came into the house and was conversing with my foster parents. All of a sudden, the foster mother turned around and looked at me with that mean look in her eyes like she did when I was six years old. I never forgot that look. These were her exact words to me: “Alright, you little son of a bitch, get the hell out of my house!” I cried out, “What do you mean, get out of your house?” I was so confused. So, she just grabbed me by the back of my hair making me lose footing and replied, “you god damned fucking bastard. You are not my fucking kid and never were. I never wanted you and never loved you. You were only a fucking paycheck for me. Now, get the fuck out of my house!”
My foster father was standing right there at the door and grabbed me from her. I thought he was going to be nice to me when he picked me up by the seat of my pants and threw me out the front door as hard as he could. Remember, I was extremely small for my age. He threw me so hard that I cleared the porch and the bushes and landed next to the drive way hitting my head against the cement cutting my forehead. It knocked the wind right out of me.
The social worker came outside to where I was laying and crying. She also grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to her car, picked me up and threw me in as I hit my head again against the other door. My head was soaked with blood and I still have those scars today. My attention was not on the blood but on the fact that my mommy and daddy just told me that they didn’t love or want me. Damn, did I ever cry! That really hurt worse than the beating that I received when I was six.
Man oh man, did I hate the world after that. It took a very long time for me to heal from that. I may still be healing from it. Love was not an option for me.
The welfare sent me to numerous homes after that, but I could not love again. I hated and blamed myself too. I wanted to die.
It would take sixteen years for me to really be able to love again. I made a vow to God that day that I would never hurt my children or let anyone else hurt them like I was hurt as a child. This all ties in with my story trust me.

12. The Musician:

There was a sixth grade music teacher who noticed that I had some talent in music via the flutaphone while I was in a fourth grade performance. She came up to me in school and asked me to go to the basement with her to try some musical instruments and see which one that I liked. Every day after that, she and I would go to the basement. She showed me more and more about music and I loved the attention. I especially liked the tuba. It made such a deep sound that it rattled the little windows in the basement. I wished that I could remember her name. She was a fabulous woman.
She decided to pick up the pace. While I was still n the fourth grade, she entered me into the sixth grade concert band. Near the end of the school year, they had a concert. I was so nervous. I had never seen so many people in one place before just to watch me. I had a solo. I remember seeing everyone stand up at the same time when I was done and they were clapping their hands loudly.
Even if I had problems and said that I would never love again, I did love that woman for having faith in me. She gave me hope. I wanted to impress her. As I played music throughout the years, I played for her. I can still hear her voice and see her face today.
She and the choir director had gotten together and she decided to show me how to sing. I didn’t think anything about it. I was getting positive attention. So, I gave it back. I learned all I could and did quite well. While I was in the fifth grade, she wanted me to sing a solo for the sixth grade choir. She taught me the song, “Lion Sleeps Tonight.” It was a one time performance, but I thought that I did alright.
I was so happy that I was noticed even if my personal life was in shambles. I noticed that band and choir were gender neutral. I was not ashamed to play and sing so I continued through the ninth grade
That was the high point of my music career. I was in the high school marching band playing a sousaphone that was bigger that I was. My position was second chair. First chair was occupied by a really big kid named Tim. For as big as he was, he was the nicest kid that I had ever met in school. We marched in competitions from Virginia Beach to Pennsylvania State College and kept winning. We even beat the drum and bugle corps from West Point. We won all eastern that year and got invited to play for the Philadelphia Eagles and New York Giants half time in the playoffs. We were very lucky to have a band director who was so phenomenal. His name was Mr. Houck.
This whole time of being in the band, I hated who I was. I dreamed of being me, a girl. I wanted to be me so bad it hurt. As I watched the girls grow into young women, I cried deep inside. I would watch the Flag girls twirling the flags and the rifle girls doing their thing. They were so pretty with their hair done and the outfits they were wearing. I didn’t want to date them, I wanted to be them.
When we were back at the school practicing, I would sneak over to the rifle girls and practice with them. Although they snickered at me, they accepted me and we became friends. I would sit with them on the bus ride to the competitions. The boys thought that I was trying to get a little nookie, but not. They accepted me as well. I was cool in their books. I was the smallest and youngest member of the band that played the biggest instrument. They respected that.
While I was in the ninth grade, I had won the district competition. I had a problem. I was in choir as well. Apparently, I had the perfect voice for the ninth grade district vocal competition. I had to choose. It was a tough choice that was never made.
The change that takes place in my private life, the social services, the foster parents that I was living with at the time had made it for me. I did neither.

13. The Athlete:

I was a great runner because I ran away from my evil brother so much that if I did not become good at it, I would get my ass kicked every time I turned around. I also chased cows to get them into the barn and after calves when they were four days old. Let’s not forget about the chickens and cats. I never won those races but I did catch a chicken once. The local wild dogs were my friends and we ran and played through the fields. We had a lot of fun. I even ran away from school in the third grade. I didn’t get past the fence but I tried. I loved to run.
When I was in the fifth grade, I turned twelve. I would run off and play baseball with a little league team in Franklin Forks. The high school principle was there one day and saw me play. We were only practicing. He asked someone who I was and they told him. He had a team of his own in town and they practiced at my old elementary school. He came over to our house one day and asked the foster parents if I could play on his team. They reluctantly said yes. I was officially in little league.
We played ball. I had never been on a real team before and actually got to put on a uniform. I didn’t like them because they didn’t have any pink on them. I wound up with four trophies at the end of my first and last season. Most RBI’s most improved, MVP, and all stars. I never played again because of what those monster foster parents did to me.
I was in the seventh grade when my talent of running was noticed by my gym teacher, Mr. Garnsey. He was also the cross country running and track coach. He asked me to join his team and I did. I wound up setting the school record for the seventh grade. I am not sure of the time. I won a lot of races. In the ninth grade, I really shined. I ran a four minute and twelve second mile.
I quit running for the same reason I quit band and choir….. I also gave up on life itself. As long as I couldn’t be who I wanted to be, I would hate myself.
My private life of cross dressing had been discovered by the fourth foster mother. She had me kicked out along with all of my hopes and dreams of being in the Olympics, New York symphony, the NWBA, or a rock star. They were shattered by hate. I really did have a chance. I really could’ve made it. A fifteen year old that ran a four-twelve mile? Please!
I still look back at that time in my life and wonder.

14. My Rebellion:

After being tossed around from foster home to foster home, I got sick of it. I had one more chance to make it with set foster parents or they would place me in a juvenile detention center as if I were a bad kid, criminal, or something.
The final home was one of my blood sisters that I had never met. Her name was Suzy. I was so excited to meet someone from my family. My excitement was soon destroyed. I had gotten upset that one of her children had ripped one of my speakers and had the audacity to ask her if she was going to replace it. She walked over to me and back handed me right off of her couch. I told her with the utmost rebellion, “That will be the last time anyone ever hits me and gets away with it!” I ran away. I ran from her, society, and myself.
I did learn a valuable lesson while I was hitch-hiking. You can never run from yourself. Our problems will follow us where ever we go in life.
During my time of rebellion, I stayed with another blood sister named Kathy. She was really beautiful and nice. One night, I laid my head in her lap and told her that I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to be a girl but I thought that she would not like me anymore and would have nothing to do with me.
I was done with all the pain and agony that society had put on me throughout my youth. I started to break laws to get even with them all. I did nothing serious. I must admit that I was too much of a chicken to do anything really bad.

15. Conclusion of My Youth:

I look back on my youth and see that because of my gender identity issues, I was tremendously discriminated against. It wasn’t that I was a bad kid. It was just that bad things happened to a good kid. I wanted to love myself but was forced to hate myself through the beatings and ridicule. That stayed with me for many years. I finally broke the chain.
I can clearly see the acts of violence caused from the foster parents, foster brothers and sisters, social services, and my blood brother. I do not hate any of those people and wish them no harm. I actually forgive them.

16. Army Reserves:

Late November of 1984, I got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, on a Friday afternoon and put in jail. I was to appear before a judge on Monday morning. Monday came, I was released. I was confused. There was a car waiting for me outside of the courthouse with US Army wrote on the side of it. I was escorted to the MEPS station in Minneapolis and was recruited in the Army reserves.
Come to find out, my oldest brother was behind it. I never knew him. I spent eleven months behind the curtain of the reserves. I did not like my life as it was and wanted more and next thing you know, I was enlisted in the regular Army and shipped to Germany.
Wow! That was a party of all parties. I loved Germany. What I can remember of it. I didn’t learn a damn thing.

17. The Army:

I absolutely hated the Army. Hind sight is 20-20 and I am also glad that I did go. I really had to conform to a “mans” army. I couldn’t stand being treated like a man. Every chance that I got, I dressed as Paula. I was extremely discreet and I would masquerade my conformity. I didn’t want to go to jail again.
I was going to get out after my first enlistment so I could do my transition, but no, I had to meet someone that would take my heart and got married. I thought that she could make me a man by being her husband. What the hell was wrong with me? What the hell was I thinking? Anyways, we went on our honeymoon in Gatlinburg, TN. Then we went to Hawaii for the duration of my enlistment. If I knew then what I know now; she never had a chance. I blamed myself for most of the future events by involving her in my mixed up life.

18. Big “O” Mistake:

On the 21st of January, 1989, at four thirty in the afternoon, at the
Philadelphia Baptist Church in Mississippi, we were officially married. We were just two lovebirds waiting to take the world and put it in our pockets. We seemed to be happy together and had the rest of our lives to work out any hurdles that came our way. We seemed to be in love.
She was so pretty in that wedding dress and her face was so perfect. I couldn’t wait for us to get away from all the people at the reception so we could be alone. I did not care anything about those people there. I just wanted my new wife and new life. I was the grand master O and she would be the big O. I couldn’t wait.
Finally, it was time for us to go. I was tired of all those people threatening me of my life if I hurt her.
On the way to Gatlinburg, TN, where we spent our honeymoon, I had noticed a bad trend brewing on our way there and while we were there and especially on the way back. As soon as we were on our own, her personality did a 180 degree turn around. I did not know that woman that I married. From sweet to bitter; I should have seen it coming back then but I was too blind and just too far into it to back out.
Oh, for the arguments. She would argue about anything and everything. She would just make things up if I was not even saying anything to argue about. I tested my theory by asking her if the sky was blue today when there was not a cloud in the sky. Her answer was, no and wanted to argue about it. She argued about the color of our pick up in which was plainly brown. She was unbelievable. I finally had it and told her to just shut the hell up since she did not have anything good to say.
I thought I learned one thing about arguing. It takes two to argue but she taught me different. She did a fine job of it all by herself. I believe she would try to argue with a fence post if she had the chance. No, I know she would.
I made a big mistake in marrying her period. I take full responsibility for trying to make it work. I should have divorced her in the beginning. I know that I wasn’t perfect by any means but whenever she wanted something from me, she would sweeten up. Other than that, she was a real bitch. But she would only treat me badly when ever her family or friends were not around. She had a separation of voices when talking on the phone as well. So, no one ever saw that evil side of her but me. If I dared to say anything about the way she treated me, it was automatically my fault. The local Baptist preacher said it was my fault for her being the way she was. I got angry with him and told him that he was a damn liar. I did not raise her and the fact that she was a grown woman was not reason enough for me to be blamed for her shortcomings. I just went to him for some advice, not ridicule. I could not stand him after that day.
I really don’t know how
I put up with her and her damn family in the first place other than the children and maybe a little pride. My love for them and their love for me did keep me there.
My wife was a slob. I am saying that from military standards mind set. We had an automatic dishwasher. If I did not do the dishes, they would pile up in the sink for a week. I know. I tested her. She would just throw her clothes at the end of the bed and leave them there. She would let them pile three feet high and then complained that she didn’t have anything to wear and went and bought more clothes like I was rich or something. Do y’all realize just how expensive women’s clothes are? Example: $14 for a bra, $10-$12 for a set of three panties. She wasted and threw away more stuff than I had ever seen before. We could have had quite a large savings if she didn’t waste it all. I had to make her mad enough to get her to do anything. I would start fights just to get her to pick her messes up. I worked really hard and was very tired when I came in and wanted to relax but if I did that, I was a slacker or a bum. I would have loved to help her around the house with the normal chores but she always had something else to do like go to her family and visit or go to church. She never wanted to stay home. I simply refused to do all the house work and her go play.
After time, that house was trashed. I looked in the old house as I pick up the kids for visitation and notice that is worse than when I lived there.
Looking back, my marriage was doomed to fail and I did have an idea at the time. I just wasn’t happy with her or how she treated me. I had to be happy or it would be the death of me. I wanted out a long time ago but stupid pride and fear of being alone kept me there.
Hind sight-I would go through all the tragedies, tortures, and being married to that witch repeatedly if I knew I would have wound up with my beautiful children.

19. Unforgiving Lies:

I was in that horrible relationship for about four years when Paula wanted to test out life for herself. (I am only using myself in the third person for this story.) Through all the fussing and fighting, I was totally unhappy with my life with that woman. I knew that inside me Paula was alive and well. She was very unhappy because I wouldn’t let her out. But in times of weakness, she would be there for me and I would let her out by cross dressing in private. I could always count on her to make me happy. I wanted more.
I wanted to experience the real me, Paula, for real. How was I going to be Paula and get away with it especially with me living in that conservative southern Baptist society?
I informed my wife of my cross dressing issues and even a possible sex change in the future before we were ever married. Her response to that was that we would cross that bridge if we ever came to it.
I was working at an electrical motor plant at the time when a sudden surge of this interest overwhelmed me. I wanted to go to New Orleans as Paula where there were others like me and maybe I could get some answers as to why I was the way I was.
I informed my supervisor at that plant that I needed a couple of days off to sort some things out. While I was telling him this, I had tears in my eyes. He asked me what was wrong and I told him nothing. He insisted. So, with my confused state of mind, I told him that it was my father. He did not listen to what I was actually saying. He stopped me and left. I thought no more about it. He came back with a wad of money in his hand. I asked him, “What is this for?” He told me that it is the way of the south to help each other in times of need. I told him that it was precious and I did not want it but he insisted. Apparently, he took up a collection thinking that my father had died when in fact he did not.
You see? I was not finished with my sentence about my father. It was circumstances that led to this whole ordeal. I was trying to say before I got interrupted that it was my father. It was his fault that I was having such difficulties in life. I was blaming him at the time for my mixed emotions about wanting to be a woman since he ran out on us when we were babies. I wanted to blame someone for my abnormality.
I accepted the money and maybe I shouldn’t have. I made a huge mistake and I lied to them because of fear. I wanted to come out but was too damn afraid. I darn sure couldn’t tell them the truth. I had to find out for myself. I had to find some definitive answers.
So, I took that trip to New Orleans. I was surely alone and scared out of my mind.
It wasn’t as I thought it would be. My fear ruined the only chance that I had at the time about finding out about who and what I was. I wore a really red dress with panty hose and heels that were too tight. I thought that I was very pretty even if I was not sure on how to apply makeup. I had a cool jumpsuit to wear on the way back. I only had two days and had to be back.
As I was driving down there, I would go out of my way to notice how people looked at me by waving to them. Not a lot of help there. No one waved back. So much for southern hospitality
I achieved my goal of making it down there and it was night time when I got there. I found a safe place to park next to Bourbon Street and sat there for at least fifteen minutes before I could get the nerve to get out.
Finally got the nerve and got out and started to walk down the street to a club that catered to people like me. I never made it there because of the sexual harassment, innuendos, and the name calling. It was childhood all over again. I ran back to my pick up in those most uncomfortable heels and drove off in a hurry. I was crying really hard because it brought back all of those horrible and painful memories.
I had nowhere to go. So I went back home. My wife and I had a heart to heart discussion about the trip and I told her that I would put Paula away and try to live out my life with her. I knew I was lying to her. I just had no way out. She was clouded with a bigoted and hateful family history and unknowingly to me at the time, would hold it against me for the remainder of our pathetic so called marriage.

20. Civilian Life:

I came from the north and moved to the south after I had been discharged from the regular army in April of ’91. I had never been in the Deep South before and certainly did not know how to take them and vice-versa.
As embarrassing as it was, I had a lot of jobs for numerous reasons. One that stands alone is that I was never happy with myself and would never be happy doing anything until I was truly happy being one with myself.
Before December of 2005, every job that I was fired from was initiated by ex-wife’s family and that is a fact and can be proven by some of the employers in who spilled the beans. I actually caught them in the act. Why did they hate me that much? It was just little old me. How was I a threat to them? Or was I? I did not know it. I refused to see eye to eye about their racism, hatred, and bigoted ways. Remember, this is Mississippi we are talking about.
Up to the point of December of 2005, I didn’t like anything I did as Paul. After I changed, every one of my employers involved discriminations beyond belief against Paula. My present employer seems to be the most accepting of them all but there is still things we need to work out. It is super company so far. We’ll see.

21. The Witch Hunt:

I was working for a chicken company at the time of a most demeaning and slanderous event I encountered in my entire life up to that point.
My son was a newborn baby in 1998 and my daughter was four. Everybody was paying so much attention to my new born and wound up leaving my daughter out of the loop. I looked in her eyes one day and saw the most sad and lonely little girl.
I realized what was happening and decided to give the attention to her that she deserved. I took off work early a few days to take my daughter to the park where she could play. I left my new born at the day care because it was way too hot and he was too small to play with and would pick him up later. I spent about an hour each day doing these fun things with her. We played on the swings, and ran around like chickens with our heads cut off. We had a blast.
Meanwhile; back at the daycare, my ex-step mother in law had vicious plans. You see. She had an idea that something was the matter with me but she just could not put her finger on it. So, she decided that she would come up with an answer herself. She would be a hero or something if she could find out what it was that was wrong with me. She was conversing with one of the daycare attendants and the attendant told her about what I was doing with my daughter at the park. She thought she was doing something good by telling her that.
My ex-step mother in law told the attendant that I was up to something with my daughter, leaving the door wide open for rumors to start.
I went to pick my daughter up the fourth day and the attendant told me that there were rumors about me and m daughter and that she did not advise me to just pick up my daughter but to pick up both of them at the same time. I asked her who was saying these bad things and exactly what were they saying. She refused to tell me. I did as she said.
On the way home with the children, I called my ex-wife at her work to see if she had heard anything about this vicious rumor. She told me that she knew nothing of it.
I arrived at the house in dismay. I was quite shaken to be accused of something dealing with the children. I just sat in the recliner and thought about what I was going to do. I was starting to get furious because I was stewing on something that I had no idea of what was said. I was almost ready to take life. If there was one thing that I would never do, it was not to hurt the children in any way.
My ex finally made it home. I called my daughter in the living room and ordered my ex to sit down. I fell to my knees with a lot of tears in my eyes. I hugged my daughter and looked at my ex in disbelief that anyone would stoop to that level to hurt me. Not only were they hurting me, they were hurting my little girl. I told my ex of my vow to God when she was carrying each child. I vowed to never hurt my children or let anyone else hurt them like I was hurt. I would take my life before I would hurt a child.
She had tears in her eyes. I was tired of all the lies in my life and I set out to find out who was behind these lies. I was at my wits end. I had not a clue of who said what about this terrible rumor.
A few weeks had passed when I receive a weird phone while I was at work. Out of the blue, I received a phone call from my ex-step sister in law. She opened up and told me the whole story. She told me that my ex-wife was involved by knowing the whole truth and not revealing it to me. She left me to the wolves instead of believing in me. She did not feel sorry for me at all. I was caught off guard by what she said about what my ex was involved with. I thought her mother was the one but had no proof until now.
Then, coincidently, I get another phone call the same day from my other ex-step sister in law. She substantiated the story.
I was burning with revenge. I had to think really hard and fast. I wanted to blow heads clean off of their shoulders. But where would that put me and how would that hurt the family? I could not go through with it.
Now what could I do? I prayed. I prayed not to kill. I had to calm down.
After I had gotten home from work, I waited for my ex to come home. I had a plan.
As she drove in the driveway, I met her with the children and told her to get to the other side because I am driving. She had no idea that I knew that she knew and with held the truth from me and she lied on top of it. I was really angry with her but would have to deal with that later. I only had one mission on my mind at the time.
My ex knew something was array because of the way I was acting and maybe started to figure out what was going on once I pulled into the her father’s drive way. I waited till they all went inside before I made my move towards the door. I waited till everybody was settled down before I started in on that wickedly insane woman. To tell you the truth, I still did not know how I was going to approach this woman, the wicked step mother. I wanted to really hurt her for hurting my daughter and me. I hammered her with my founded accusations of her spreading these vicious rumors as my ex’s father was getting furious and was getting in my face to back off or he would make me. I did not stop until she committed to tell the truth.
It took a lot out of me and the rest of the family as well. The truth be told and everybody’s jaws hit the floor. She admitted to telling the rumors. My ex’s father was so ashamed that he just sat back down and shut his mouth.
I told my ex to get back in the car and we were to go home directly. I wanted to take the very breath from her chest that she told her lies with but thought to myself that she was not worth going to prison for. I walked away.
When we got back home, I told my ex to get in the house and that I wanted to discuss something with her, too. I started in on her about the phone calls that I received from her step sisters. I told her that they also told on her. I told her that I was really disappointed in her and was really let down by her lies and deceit. She said it was not as big a deal as I was making it out to be. I lit into her about that. I said that most people that knew her step mother, knew that she was a fabricator and made up lies to better herself in the community at all cost. I then explained to my ex about the people that did not know her and heard this story. They would believe it. My ex was so damn blind. I could not convince her of anything. I wanted out right there. I hated her for what she did to me.
This was the beginning of my final countdown. People did believe this stupid rumor by showing their actions by pulling their kids out of the Sunday school class in which I taught for one. I was also asked to leave the church on a phony charge of working at the casino in which they were glad to participate in. I knew what they were doing. They used that reason to throw me off track.
The list grew and there were only two ways to get out from underneath this horrific rumor. Change or die. Not much of a choice but there was a choice.
My countdown to a permanent life change started right there. This was the turning point of my life and how it has turned out.
My ex’s step mother knew that I had a problem but could not put a finger on it so she started rumors. On the other hand, my ex’s real mother figured it out on her own. She really was the only one who loved me in that family because she privately confronted me with it one day before she passed away and I told her everything. We had an understanding. Like I said, “My Mother-in-law was the only one in that family who loved me and was loyal to me.” Then she had to go and die.

22. Suicidal Hero? :

A few years had passed. I was living a dead life. I was just living. I lost my love for my marriage. I was surely depressed and looking for a way out. Whether it would be out of the marriage or life; I wanted out.
I was driving for a local food delivery company for a little over a year and a half when I lost my job. That did not bother me much because I hated that job with a passion. I took more shit off of people called the customers than I had ever taken before from anyone else in my entire adult life.
I heard that the local National Guard unit was getting deployed to Iraq for a year and since I was a veteran from the first gulf war era, I thought to myself that there could not be a better way to die than to die as an honored soldier from foreign war just like Grandpa, a real man.
So, I called the recruiter and reenlisted back into service with disabilities and all.
I was completely suicidal. For some reason, I could not confront the real truth that was motivating me to go back to war. I was forced into conformity so well that it would be the death of me one way or another. I fought off those feelings for over thirty three years but they kept getting stronger and stronger.
My secret had to die or it would take over my life and I knew it. I wanted to keep the life that I had but knew that either way, I was going to lose it.
I was a husband, father, uncle, etc. I had everything a man could possibly want, except a bass boat. I never had one of those. I was sad, depressed, and lonely. I had no one to talk to about any of this.
So, keeping all that in mind, I joined the military again. This time, I had a personal suicide mission. I was placed in the communications section of the 367th Maintenance Company.
On the 5th of September, 2003, we were on our way to Fort Lewis, Washington.
Before we left, we had a going away to do. All the big wigs from the local governments to the governor were there and they were all long winded. The press was there as well. I was thinking that this was the last time that I would be seeing my family. It was extremely emotional for all of us. I somehow think that my ex knew why I was doing this.
Oh my God, saying good bye to my children almost killed me right there. This is exactly how powerful this female side was. I would rather die than to hurt my family with this issue.
The local newspaper photographer walked by and took a picture of me kissing my son on his head.
All the soldiers and their families were hurting. Saying good bye is not an easy thing to do especially not knowing if you are coming back from war or not.
We loaded the buses that were waiting for us and were off. People were lining the streets for miles and miles waving little flags and held banners up saying, “Soldiers come home.” Little baby carriages had little yellow ribbons tied to them. Tears were everywhere. You could read the peoples’ lips as they were screaming out how they loved us and were blowing butterfly kisses. I saw my son and daughter. They were just crying as they waved. They did not know what bus I was on because of the tinted windows.
My mind became numb and my ears went silent. I drifted off into my safe place again. I was hurting way too much for me to handle. You could have heard a pin drop on that bus because I was not the only one that drifted off.
We arrived at the Jackson international airport in the middle of the runway and loaded the plane and were off. That will be marked as a day that will never be forgotten.

23. Initial Training:

Fort Lewis, Washington:

It is one of the most beautiful places that I have ever been to in my life with Mount Rainier towering over the east side of the fort with a staggering 14,000 foot peak. It is a sight that you must see before you die.
I was in the regular army for six years before and I had been entertained by the regular army trying to make the Mississippi National Guard into a lean green mean fighting machine. This unit had never seen discipline before or so it seemed. They only knew each other by first names. I don’t think they knew what rank was. They were called to have a formation as they all just took their time and moseyed over there with their hands in their pockets, shirts untucked and their hats were cocked so far back that it seemed impossible for them to stay on their heads. Some were smoking and some were chewing the tobacco. I saw some of the leaders come out to formation with their cups of coffee. Their uniforms were wrinkled and their shoes were not shined. I am not sure if they even knew how to salute. Most of the leaders had big beer guts.
Our first Sergeant was a fat slob and could not even pass the army physical readiness test. Well, I couldn’t say much there. I couldn’t either.
Our captain was a complete moron. He said that his daddy was a general and he was special and he wanted to volunteer us for everything stupid so his daddy would be proud of him. And that he did…He was the most successful dumb ass that I had ever seen.
A lot of soldiers were trying their very best to find ways to get out of their commitments. They wanted out of the war and got really creative in the ways they did it and were successful. There were some women that would go to bed with the soldiers until they showed positive for pregnancy. I could not stand the lot of them. They made me sick to my stomach. The women were going to be sent back to stateside and finish their term and get paid what we get paid and not face any danger with full benefits of the health care system.
As our unit dwindled down in numbers, we almost succeeded in convincing the army that we were not the right ones to do the job. The captain was informed that if he lost anymore soldiers, he would lose his command. We did not lose anymore. We had a 59 year old man with a bad case of diabetes go with us. He should have stayed home with the rest. We had some real crack heads there. Oh yeah, lol, they were our leaders. I was and am ashamed that I ever volunteered for this unit. I did make some friends though. Or at least I thought I did.
I wished somebody could have seen us at the firing range. It was too funny. Trying to teach gun safety to rednecks? Hum! Duh, you might as well try to teach a squirrel how to cook deer meat. I swear that these were the dumbest people on the planet. One soldier hollers out, ”Hey Sarge, How do you shoot these things again?” as he points his loaded weapon in every direction except down range.
Please don’t make me tell you how they did on the grenade range. I am not responsible for any of that.
These nuts called soldiers were like the blind sheep leading more blind sheep. I have a new respect for the regular army. They had less than two months to get these retards ready for war and they actually pulled it off. Hey, I was one of them. I can’t talk. I can’t believe I joined a National Guard unit especially this one. I may have wanted to die but not at the hands of these idiots. It would take a lot to convince me that staying with these people would be alright.
At this point, the real training began. We ran hard, did a lot of sit-ups, jumped over objects, did our pushups, moaned, groaned, and cried about our aches and pains. I could barely do any of those exercises because of a trick shoulder and bad shin bones. There were times that I did not think that I was going to make it. We were so tired and weak that we did not even want to go out on the town. Although, there were some personality flare ups, we seemed to actually start to work as a team. We got stronger as a unit and were able to function good enough to go to the real deal in the sand box.
“HURRY UP AND WAIT”, I got tired of hearing that. I also never forgot my personal mission while I was training with the others. The more we trained, the more it became clear to me that I was going to make it through the training and would be able to fulfill my mission. I never told a soul of the actual reason I enlisted.
I see some things in the army never change. Oh, by the way, I hate army food with a passion. Hell, you could knock out a windshield with their pancakes. I call out to you, “oh you mighty chow hall people, if you are offended by my statements, too friggin
Bad. Improve your food, it sucks…! Better yet, you suck. I hate dishes, thanks to you. Why don’t y’all go eat soap? I guess you had to have been there.

Sex Reassignment Surgery

24. Journal of the War:

November, 2003:

Two weeks prior to deployment overseas. The spouses of the soldiers were allowed to visit before we left. Length of visit was for three days and two nights. My wife and I spent our time as if it were our last. I knew exactly why I was going and was distant from her. She wanted to be intimate. I just wanted to hold her close. My thoughts of my mission were running wild. I was scared to die.
Our days were filled with as much joy as could be expected with the thoughts of this gloomy war over our heads. We savored every moment as much as we could. Our moments were more beautiful than the majestic mountain in the background. I am not sure if she knew it or not, but I cried my heart out when we separated in the airport when her time was to go.

December, 2003:

Homesickness had set in now more than ever. I was having second thoughts about my personal mission. I did not want to die any more. As a unit, we were tight, at the time. Our first place we went was Kuwait. We intensely trained for urban assault and defense.
While in our down time, we were fortunate enough to be able to call home using at&t phones via phone cards that were very expensive so the conversations were short. I hate at&t. They cornered the market over there and took extreme advantage of our misfortunes and homesickness’s to make their capitalistic fortunes. You talk about monopoly.

During the same month, we made our move into Iraq in very large and slow moving convoys. We moved so slow, we were sitting ducks. Our stress level is very high. We have been given our rules of engagement. We were at our highest level of alertness. The convoys marched for four days. We only went four hundred miles. We made it to a village called Tekrit. It was the town where Sadam was found in.
We stayed there for two weeks. We did absolutely nothing there. It was raining and very muddy. Those two weeks seemed like two years.

January, 2004:

The orders were given that we were to convoy up to a city called Mosul. This town had 5 million people in it. We had to move everything by eighteen wheelers. I volunteered to help move all the equipment up there. It would take many trips to accomplish this mission. SSG Thomas was my battle buddy and was clearly upset with me for volunteering but went with me anyways.
Our first mission was a complete success. While we were in Mosul on the advanced party, SSG Thomas and
I discovered what Mortars were as they landed really close and they were so loud that they cracked the air hurting my ears and sucking the air from my lungs. We just did what we were trained to do. Get DOWN! We were ok. My mortality rating was still good. We repeated our missions until they were complete. We had some enemy fire but the completely missed us.

The 2nd week of January:

We were in the process of setting up our maintenance base camp when another sergeant and I received sniper fire while walking to the chow hall. We knew exactly what those whizzes were that went in between us. The whole base went on alert. I had the sniper in my sights in that tower in the picture and was ordered to stand down. I was not allowed to shoot the enemy (in war time). We were being attacked with small arms fire and mortars that night and we called it in from the guard tower and head quarters told us just to monitor the situation. Do not engage the enemy. I got on the radio and asked them if we were still at war or was this classified as a field exercise. The voice came back across the radio and ordered us not to engage and if we did, we would face a court marshal. We did not engage. The rules of engagement sent to us by our division commander clearly stated to fire when fired upon but the battalion commander made it clear that he was more powerful than the division commander and we will do as he says or we will face court marshals.
Yep, the power trips started. I really wanted to go home. This was the stupidest war. There was no point to this stupid war. We were not sure who the enemy was any more. We were more scared of our own army and government than we were the enemy.

January 20th:

I was on guard duty again. I looked up at the stars that were ever so clear and I had made a wish that night to go home.

January 21st:

The following morning was my wedding anniversary. We were receiving enemy fire via mortars and small arms fire again. I was awakened by those blasts outside of my sleeping quarter’s window. I went to get up really fast grabbing my m-16 to help secure the area and collapsed to the floor. I thought that I was shot.
Apparently, my appendix decided that this was a good time to rupture. I am not sure of who took me to the field expedient hospital, but I thank him or her. Whoever saved my life, thank you.
That afternoon, I woke up in that tent hospital by mortars landing everywhere around us and rapid machine gun fire. I noticed that all the hospital personnel were bugging out to the bunkers for security and left me there in the tent, alone and scared.
I remembered seeing the show, M.A.S.H., on television and noticed that when the bombs went off, the tents shook as dust came off of the ceiling of the tents and the lights just waved back and forth. I saw the same thing for real there. In the show, the doctors covered their patients and stayed with them if they could not move them. Not this unit.
I could hardly move because I was doped up on a morphine equivalent because of an allergic reaction that I had earlier as I noticed that these stupid incompetent doctors and nurses ran off and left their weapons and ammo behind as well as me.
I could not stand up. So, I just slid and fell off of the side of the gurney, ripping my stitches open, and low crawled over to where the weapons were. I said to myself that if I was to die tonight, I would die fighting.
All in all, the doctors and nurses just left me and their weapons in there alone to defend against an enemy while wounded.
I seemed like an eternity.
Meanwhile, while they ran off unprotected to the bomb shelters. The alert lifted and they all came back in from their little shelters noticing that I was passed out by the weapons’ rack.
A psych doctor came in after I regained consciousness and started to ask me a series of questions. I refused to answer any of them until he asked me if I thought that we were in eminent danger. I could not believe he just asked that. I could not help myself by grabbing that idiot by his shirt and pulling him in close so he could hear me since I did not want to holler this out too loudly since it hurt as it was. I said to this captain, “You got to be fucking kidding me? Where the fuck do you think you are at, you dumb fuck? There are 5 fucking million mother fucking people outside the mother fucking fence who want us fucking dead. You all leave me in this fucking hell hole called a hospital alone while we are being fired upon and you have the fucking nerve to ask me if I think we are in eminent danger. Fuck you!”
Needless to say, but I have “a tendency towards violent behavior during a war”. That is what they wrote in my chart.
I had gotten released from that tent city of idiots into another world of idiots. I had a free ticket home for convalescent leave for a month. I was not allowed to have a rifle due to the pain medications I was on. Our idiot captain kept me there for two weeks after the emergency surgery before I finally got to go home to rest up and heal.
I had to catch a C-130 plane from Mosul to Kuwait and then I had caught a C-140 plane all the way to Tinker Air Force base in Oklahoma. I was then escorted to a civilian airport to ride all the way back to Jackson, Mississippi. I was picked up by my wife.

February, 2004:

Finally home. The whole time I was there, it seemed like a dark cloud was over us. It felt like this dismal gloom was just hanging around. I had a lump in my throat the whole time. We all knew this was not going to last so we savored our time together.
As we sat down to eat one day, my son asked me in his little innocent way if he could have my pick up when I die over there. I cried a tear or two but had to laugh at the same time. I said, “Surely not, Mr. I am not gonna die!” He just had a look of bewilderment and went back to eating.
The kids wanted me to go to their school to show me off. My son just wanted me to be part of his world and my daughter wanted me to tell about over there.

Time to go back:

The 1st time we parted was quick and had not a lot of time to soak up what was really about to take place. This time, we had a chance to spend time and enjoy each others’ company. My wife took me back to the Jackson airport to see me off along with the kids. My wife and children were not allowed passed the security gates to see my plane take off. So, we had to part there at the security.
We hugged as a family and I was trying real hard not to cry. I was trying to be strong for the kids. I was done going through the security when I heard my son above the hustle and bustle of the airport screaming out loud at the top of his lungs,” Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” I did not want to turn around but this was my son hollering for me. So, I turned around to see my son. He was blowing me a butterfly kiss and hollering out that he loves me with his tear soaked face and then he hid his face in his mother’s arms and cried. My daughter’s face was soaked as well. I waved good bye and rounded the corner as fast as I could because I knew that I would not be able to last any longer. I broke down and cried right there in the airport. I did not want to die any more. I wanted to live. I fell to my knees and just cried as hard as I could. An old man put his hand on my shoulder and said that he would pray for us and that made me cry harder. I cried so hard, my chest hurt. I had an epiphany. I am re-evaluating my mission. DAMN this war in my fucking head.

March-April, 2004:

Just as I predicted; the entourage of enemy fire had worsened. We were getting attacked every day that rolled. The mortars were so unpredictable.

March until:

I sought medical/mental attention in the new hospital unit that came in. They were from Texas. I went to see the psychiatrist there. I had no problem getting in to see him. He was a major. I don’t remember his name. I informed him of my GID (gender Identity disorder) and we sat and talked for hours. I had repeat visits with him. One thing he asked me was what I was going to do about my increasing GID issue. I told him that I wanted to change but did not know how and did not want to hurt my family. I would put it off as long as I could until the time was right or if it would ever be right.

May 1st, 2004:

This is a day that will be carved in my mind until the day I die. I lost my friend that day to enemy fire. I had gone through survivor’s guilt because of it. I blamed myself for his death. Not a nice way to be. My thoughts of suicide did come back. He had just turned 21. He still had a kid’s heart but was more of a man then most of the soldiers there.

November, 2004:

It was time to come home for good with two less soldiers then what we left with. It surely was a bitter sweet reunion. My feelings and emotions were so messed up that I did not talk about them. I didn’t talk about Iraq for a long time. I was just glad to be home.
Obviously, there are a lot of gaps in my journal. It is on purpose. There are a lot of things that are way too difficult to put in words and/or are entirely too personal.
The episode of the airport was hard to write, trust me. I was typing that segment with my eyes soaked with tears and it was a moment that changed me forever. There are a lot of people that want to know the details of the war. I will leave that duty up to somebody else that is more suitable. I hated the war and why we were there. I was proud to serve with my fellow countrymen and women for my country. In my opinion, George Bush, Dick Chaney, and their cabinet were mass murderers just as bad as Adolf Hitler’s regime because they had the entire world fooled on lies. Hitler only convinced Germany.

25. Welcome Home, Soldier:

December of 2004; after returning from that miserable so called war, we were given 30 days paid leave and I was looking forward to that. I wanted to take my family to the mountains for vacation. What I wanted and what I got was two separate things all together.
My ex told me that she had given up on me while I was over there and did not think that I would return. Keeping this in mind, I looked around the house. It looked terrible. I could not believe that this was my home. The house was filthy. I wound up showing my family what a “GI” party was all about. It took all 30 days to clean that house. And my vacation was gone.
Welcome home soldier.
My little vacation was gone and it was time to get a job in the civilian world so I could continue to support my family. All that I could find at the time was an old job but they would not hire me as company driver. They would only hire me as a lease purchase operator. I was back to driving a stupid truck. I did what I had to do. I tried their lease purchase program but failed miserably. I could not seem to get off on the right foot.
The first thing that went wrong was a breakdown and had to get a replacement truck while mine was getting fixed. I had not had that tractor more than three weeks.
Then I was forced into a jack knife by another driver whipping out in front of everybody. I had to hit my breaks really hard and the trailer breaks locked up (S cam’d or cam’d over). There was a little damage to the cab of my truck and told the company not to put it on my insurance and I would pay for all the damages myself. What did they do? They put it on the insurance and put it on my driving record as a jack knife. That would follow me around for years. I was so angry with their lack of competence, so I quit.
There was an opening in the guard for leadership school which was full time pay. It was only for two weeks but I went. It could only help and maybe I could move up in the guard. I couldn’t pass a Physical Fitness test. They just made it up as if I had so I could go to this school. Even in the “leadership” school, they did the same thing. End result; I accomplished my mission in leadership school.
Now, what was I gonna do? Another month went by and I found a job in the oil field. Boy, was that a mistake. I will tell you about that in a while.
I was lost in a world where everything had changed. I did not know up from down. I never had seen so much of the back stabbing and cheating before in my life.
What was going on?
At the time, I was not aware of any affairs that my wife was having but knew something was really wrong. I noticed a problem when we arrived back at the unit from overseas. The kids attacked me when they saw me but my wife did not. She just stood there in a black outfit that looked like she was at a pimp’s funeral. I never had seen her in an outfit like that before.
Depression started to set in. nearly a year had passed and the whole time, I wanted to open up about my GID and had no right way to do it. I was on my last leg and my world as I knew it was fixing to be turned upside down. I wanted to die. I hated myself for what was about to take place. I was living a dead life.

26. The Final Count Down:

It was late August of 2005 when I had gladly gotten fired off of that nasty oil rig. Damn! I hated that job. We were located in the swamps of Louisiana on a barge. We were tracking a category five hurricane heading our way. Hurricane Katrina! What a bitch she was.
The supervisor on an oil rig is called a tool pusher. The chain of command goes as follows: Tool pusher, Driller, maintenance man, crane operator, rough necks (floor hands), shaker hand, roust a bout. I had the lowest job out on the rig.
I got all the “shit” jobs. I absolutely hated that job with all of my might. I did it anyways to support my family.
We had two week hitches of two weeks out and two weeks in. I had 12 hour shifts. When I got off of the shift, I went straight to bed.
I was on my fifth hitch out there when that bitch of a hurricane was well on its way. The hurricane would reach us in three days. I went to the tool pusher and asked him if he would send me back to shore because I did not want to encounter any hurricane. His response was for me to get back to work and quit belly aching.
Reluctantly, I did. I was chipping paint with the air chippers when the crane operator decided to piss on my hands since I was down on my hands and knees. He thought it was funny. I did not. I stood up and just hit him with my fist. He fell to the deck and I walked off of the job and demanded to go in to shore when the crane operator ran in behind me and told on me like a child. The tool pusher asked me if it were true and I said yes. I did not even bother to tell him why I did it.
Before I could say a word, I was ordered off of the rig. I was fired. Damn, finally.
When I arrived at the shore, the winds had picked up and the rain started and I drove straight home as fast as I could. I battled that traffic and ran in the median and sides of the road if I had to but I made it out of there with no scratches. I did what I had to. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do for employment when I got a phone call from the armory to report as a first responder for the hurricane. I just got out of there and they want me to go back?
This was insane but I did as ordered.
August 28th; we waited and waited. The night came and went
August 29th, the winds were ripping through the building and making the loudest sounds as the tin slapped around like a flag in the wind. The rain came. I stood out the front door of the armory during the storm and watched the trees snapping like twigs and the softball fields to the left of the armory filled with water so fast that they looked like small lakes. The water rose so high that we thought we would be bugging out.
It finally stopped. About 3am the next morning. I have never seen a storm of this caliber before and was simply amazed.
It was the middle of the night when I get a call from my wife screaming that the house was falling in. The captain would not let me go at that time. I snuck out with a maintenance truck to get to my family when the sun came up. I was amazed by the destruction the hurricane made in such a short period of time. I had to get home.
I had to see the damage that had been done to my home. It was like driving through a battle field. It was nuts. Trees and power lines and poles were down and in every direction possible. I had to stop the pick up more than once to move trees out of the way to get to my house.
When I finally got there, I saw the damage. Let me rephrase that. I saw the destruction and devastation that this bitch of a hurricane did to my home. I had to push with all of my might to open the door. It was blocked by some of the ceiling and roof that was on the floor. It really hit me of what happened when I got inside. My home was destroyed. I just leaned over on what was left of my TV and cried. Everything that I had worked so hard for was gone.
Apparently, a tornado spawned off of the hurricane winds and got my home. The wife and kids were ok because they went up to her father’s house which was next door. His was untouched.
I had to leave to go to the coast to help those down there who were worse off than I was. That would be considered another book on its own. I will write about that in the future.
Meanwhile, I had to fight the insurance adjuster at Farm Bureau. The idiot stood on the ceiling that was on the living room floor and asked me if this got wet. I wanted to choke the living shit out of him. We got a check that was a spit in the face and I gave it back to them and told them that they were fixing to get sued. They came up on the amount on their check. It was enough to rebuild with the material costs without any labor. I hate those frauds with a passion.
It took two and a half months to rebuild my home. I did it for the kids.
I was nearly finished with the house. It was completely refurnished with new furniture and the interior was completely redone except a few baseboards and a little painting had to be done when we moved back in.
That is when the whole world seemed to have caved in on me. We were not moved back in two weeks and the house actually looked like a hurricane hit it again. There was no discipline to clean the house. No one cared and I had enough. I could not take it anymore. This agonizing war in my head on top of all the other wars with my wife had gone far enough.
This had to be dealt with once and for all. I tried to rally up any way that this could be dealt with and only came up with two ways, death or change. I chose death.
While my wife was at work and the kids in school, I had gone to the closet where I kept my shotgun and loaded it. I walked outside with it and looked around. I noticed the wind blowing the trees and the smell of winter coming on like I did when I was a kid. I was seeing life again and thought no more about it and went behind the barn and sat down on a pile of pallets that I had gotten to try to reinforce the barn’s walls. I was crying really hard even harder than I had ever done before in my life. These were the last moments that Paul would ever see. Beads of sweat were pouring down and I was shaking uncontrollably. I took the gun off of safe and put the barrel in my mouth.
I reached down and put my thumb on the trigger. I pushed with all of my might and it was the loudest click that I ever heard. I got angry and threw the damn gun on the ground and it went off with a loud boom that was so loud that all of the birds flew away and it went deathly quiet in the woods behind the barn. I was in shock.
They always say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. They were right.
Now, I may not be very religious any more, but if there was such thing as a guardian angel, it was very real that day. Somebody put their finger between the firing pin and the blasting cap of the shotgun shell. So, now what do I do?
During those life flashes, the most prevalent thing I could remember was my children and what it would be like if they had to live with the idea that their daddy blew his head off behind the barn. I guess somebody chose life for me but I had to change if I were to live.
Somebody wants me alive for a reason.
So, Paul died that day of December 5th, 2005, at 10:30am, and Paula was born. I had to get help but who would hear of this? Who would help me?

27. Self Deception:

As I look in the mirror, I notice that this picture is way more than a thousand words. My eyes are a very deep brown and very pretty. I see a story in them that has to be told. But no matter how pretty and beautiful I make myself, I have to look at all the pain that has not just been brought to me but to others as well, especially my immediate family.
I have spoken with numerous counselors and each of them says the same thing. I have to forgive myself to be able to get on with my life but, sometimes I can’t help but to think about my ex and the children. I was really in love with her. She was my world. She was everything to me.
My eyes are deceiving me. They are telling me to get over with those feelings really quick like. This is the woman that was/is trying to destroy me and all I stand for instead of having that true love that she was supposed to have and be able to cope with and endure any hardships that would arise in our relationship. Instead, she threw me to the wolves and turned her back on me time and time again, leaving me all alone to fight the battles ahead. She never truly loved me.
She was raised by a very bigoted family and it rubbed off on her. Her step grandfather was implicated in the three civil rights workers murders in 1963 because he owned the pond that they were buried under while it was under construction. There was a movie made about that incident called, Mississippi Burning”, starring Gene Hackman.
She turned like a dog with rabies against me. Sure I had issues but I surely did not deserve what she and her family did. To this day, I can’t seem to get it out of my head of how anyone, after seventeen years of marriage, could possibly turn all those years of being together and the memories along with the love into the nightmare she caused not only to me but to the children as well. I informed her of my issues of gender identity before we ever married and she seemed to alright with them and would cross that bridge if we ever came to it and the whole time we were married, she planned for it. I knew that if the change ever occurred, it would be devastating to the marriage but I never imagined that she would stoop so low as what she did.
My eyes are full of love. Love for my children and their futures and I was willing to go the distance in the fight for joint legal custody in or out of the Mississippi courtrooms. The children proved to me that they understood what was going on with me and it did not seem to matter with them at the time. They informed me that they wanted to stay in my life and me in theirs.
So, there you have it. I must fight. It was not easy by any means but I must fight that evil family of hers as well as her evil self.

Sex Reassignment Surgery

28. A Letter From Home:

Hi Dear!

What cha up to? I’m lying here thinking about you! This is what I do most of the time. I thought that some of those feelings might lesson as time went by, but guess what-NOT! I wish that I could see you every day. I want to hear your voice and feel your touch even though it’s not possible right now. The only thing that scares me is that I may be setting myself up for something that may never be! But,
I Guess I can have a little fun until I see and like I said before I know the feelings of my heart. Maybe I should have fought harder a long time ago. I know I’ve probably said half of this but the feelings doesn’t go away.
Now, this is the letter that I found while searching for any evidence that could be used in court to prove my case. At first, I thought it was to me. Then it occurred to me that we were going through the most horrible divorce and this letter was clearly, not to me. I suspected something like this but could not prove it till now or at least had something to go on.
She hated me and wanted me dead. Who was this letter to? I could not use it because there was not a name on it. What I suspected was clearly evident and I found out who it was. It was exactly who I thought it was, her ex-boy friend from before me. It was her first love.

29. Evil Terror II:

I told you that you would hear more about my evil brother later in my book and here it is. He is quite character and never knowing when to quit. I had seen him and his wife before I went to Iraq while stationed in Ft Lewis, Washington. We had a good visit. At that point, I had forgotten a lot of what he did to me when we were kids. I even forgave him for what I remembered. I also saw him after we returned from war. It was another good visit. I started to trust him enough to confide in him. It was pretty neat to have my brother back in my life after a twenty year separation.
When I received my first divorce papers to read and sign, in which it did not happen, I called my brother and spilled the beans of the whole thing and was in hopes that he would have some encouraging words.
What I hoped for and what happened were two completely different events. What he did was, call my wife and informed her that I was dangerous to the children and that she should keep the children away from me at all costs because he told her that people like me were pedophiles. He also said that I would eventually kill her and the kids. He scared her half to death. This is not all he did. Let’s move on.

30. The Con-artist:

I moved out of the house and had nowhere to go. I had called a long lost nephew of mine to see if he could help me while I got back on my feet. He and his wife had welcomed me in their home even if they did not fully understand what was happening to me. They had a beautiful daughter and a son on the way.
Convincingly, my nephew said that he went out of his way to help me by calling my soon to be ex-wife to get information out of her. That is when I found out about her cheating heart.
I found out later that he lied and informed her that I wanted him to go down there and burn the house down causing her to get a restraining order ordering me not to get within 300 feet of the house. That was a trip to find that out. I really got to wondering why there was a restraining order implemented.
I also find out that my evil brother had some more to do with this situation. Apparently, he had found out that I was visiting with my nephew and had called their house. He had gotten a hold of my nephew’s wife and told her that I was a monster and at all costs, keep her child away from me.
Sound familiar? She, of course, believed every word he said. It is sad to think that I will never see my great niece and nephew again because of an unsubstantiated belief/paranoia from a so called evangelical and political preacher. You could probably imagine how hurt I was about that.

31. Forgiveness from Sister:

It was before my mother died in 2001, when I took my family to visit her in New York so she could meet her grandchildren. While we were there, we had visited my oldest and the third born sister. They convinced me not to let my family go over there because her house was filthy. My wife agreed because my baby son was sick at the time. Reluctantly, I followed suit.
I did not realize it at the time that I hurt the one sister that would be there for me in the future. I was blinded by whom I was married to. When I opened up to my family about my change of life, every one of my brothers and sisters except one disowned me.
I had another epiphany of how I treated the one sister that I hurt many years ago and was very apologetic and humble when I approached her on the phone asking her for forgiveness. She did not hesitate to forgive me. She was so happy that I came back to her. I told her of what the other sisters said to me about her and explained the whole situation. I told her of my change and she accepted me without condition. She wasn’t really sure on how to handle it but she informed me that it was my decision and whatever I wanted to do to be happy was fine with her. She was just happy to have me in her life again and that felt really good deep down inside.
She stayed by my side through thick and thin right from the beginning of my journey. We talked for hours and told stories laughing and crying trying to catch up on the time we missed out on for the last 18 years of our lives. She turned out to be way more than a sister to me. She is my best friend too.
I learned a valuable lesson on life through my sister and the whole situation. I was just as guilty of judging people as were the people judging me. I love my sister, Kathy, and will never turn my back on her again.

32. Turned Backs:

As I was opening up to the world without a clue on the “right” way to do it, I thought that I lost every friend that I ever had. Up till the end, everyone that I knew did turn their backs and had nothing to do with me. I thought that I made friends in the guard and they all turned their backs. Everybody! I was devastated. One person told me that if they could not be my friends through this than they were never friends to begin with. I told that person to be quiet. She was making the situation worse as I was crying on her shoulders.
Why, the church people were the worst. They were the most hateful and vengeful.
I lost my family, home, friends, and even my dog in that little world I was living in or so I thought. I thought I was living in hell on earth.
The bible says that in the end times, people’s hearts would wax cold and they sure did.
Oh, how it hurt. Whether they knew I or not, I loved each and every one of them. I had the heart the size of Texas. Now, it is not so big. My heart was completely broken. I realized that a good heart must sometimes stand alone even if it was broken and that was me, alone and broken hearted. I had nothing left to offer the world.
Along comes a kindhearted woman. I told her of my story and she started to cry. She could not stand to see anyone homeless or alone and opened her heart and her home to my children and me for visitation. I will never forget what she did for me. Time and time again, she continuously helped me without hesitation. Up to that point in my life, I had never experienced that kind of love before. She showed me that not everyone was mean. She introduced me into a new world of new people. It was a world without ridicule or judgment.
In September of 2008, I had only a few old friends left to contact and let them know of my change. I thought to myself, “I wonder if they would turn their backs like everyone else did? Well, what do I have to lose, another friend?
So, I contacted them via the Internet in hopes that they would be understanding and accept me. These were the last of whom I had of my past. I was anxious to see what their response would be if any. A week went by and I got to thinking that they either don’t have the Internet or they just did not want to respond. I gave up on the idea after the second week. One day, while checking my e-mail, there it was a response to my e-mail. I was afraid to open it. David told me to do it anyways because how will you get on with your life if you don’t confront your past.
So I did. I started to read the letter then started to cry. David thought that it was bad news and wanted to console me. I read it out loud to him with tears in my eyes. “Paula, we did not know anything about your change. It doesn’t matter to us or bother us in the least bit. How may we be able to get in contact with you? We miss you.”
I was so happy. Finally, even if they were the last friends to contact, they came through for me. They helped me realize that there is a possibility of a “normal” life. Their friendship gave me strength.

33. The Hearing:

I was in my truck all the way over in Sacramento, CA (2300 miles away) to find out that they had arranged a hearing for divorce in two days. I knew that if I did not show then they would have proceeded without me and I would have lost my kids forever.
I was extremely fortunate enough to get a load going right through my home town. I drove straight there, stopping for fuel only. I knew it was highly illegal but it was worth the cost. I made it there with ten minutes to spare.
On the way up to the court room, tired and worn out, I noticed my soon to be ex and her first cousin as her lawyer in the elevator and hopped in. They immediately got out and I was left alone. I was not sure what to think of that. My lawyer was not there and I started to get nervous. He finally shows up after we were already sworn in.
The show starts. I had filled out an expense report prior to the hearing. I was on the stand when the judge said to my ex’s lawyer, “Who are those people with you?” She told him that they were there to testify against me. The judge told her to get them out of his courtroom because there will be no witness bashing today and that he was quite aware of the situation at hand.
We all were surprised by that. As far as the financial part of the hearing went, it seemed to go alright. Then the issue of custody was at hand. My lawyer stood up and agreed to supervise visitation until the actual court for the divorce. I instantaneously fired my lawyer and tried to have the judge extract that statement and he refused. He would not hear of it. Come to find out that he was a distant relative of my ex-wife.
My heart sank to my feet. I had done nothing to deserve that. I have always been a good parent and why were they doing this to me? Then I thought of the children. What was to become of them? At that point, I realized that I had to get mean and nasty if I were to get joint legal custody in actual court.
So, now, I realize what I am up against. Hell, itself. At all costs, I will not fail my children. If it means my life has to be taken in the process, my son and daughter would know the truth about their mother and her family, having gone off the deep end, turned evil and what they did to us.
My military mind set in with strategical plans to infiltrate her plans and remember everything that I ever knew about her and her family. I had to find a weakness.
I had to search my heart for the right courses of actions that must be taken in order to overcome the monster inside me. I am talking about the get even, vengeance, and revenge monster. Keep in mind; I still had the capabilities of total destruction. Those terrorists really don’t have anything on my military history. I had to keep all that under control. If you take away everything that means something to me and what will you create? You have a person with a destructive nature and history of training and actual experience in warfare with nothing to lose and everything to gain. That combination would make me one of the most dangerous people in the world and that Mississippi has ever known. Don’t you agree?
We can all thank the good lord above that they did not take the children totally away from me. I know that their original thoughts were in the best interest of the children and mine are still that way.
The first and only supervised visitation with the children was beyond horrific. How could they do that to my kids? We had only two hours to visit.
My ex-wife sent my son’s friend with him. My first thought was, “If I was so bad. Why did she do that?” Then I realized that this was one of my ex-wife’s tricks to take away the little time we had to spend. She was and is one of the most evil women I know.
I put her up there in the same category with her step-mother. I asked some friends to supervise and they and the judge agreed. I had to deal with this situation as best as I could. I sent the extra kid to stand by my so called friends while the kids and I had to make our time count. We had fun just playing and tickling while we wrestled on the ground. Then it was time for them to go. I informed them of what they must do in order for them to have me in their lives and they did exactly what I told them. I was so proud of them. They knew what was going on.
We had to say good bye. My daughter seemed to handle it but my baby didn’t. My woman friend had to peel my son away from me. He had a grip so tight that he almost took my shirt off. He kicked and screamed that he wanted his daddy over and over.
Remember, he had to let me go three times during the Iraqi war. I want my daddy just kept ringing through my ears like those bombs going off over there. My eyes were filled with tears and my heart sank to my feet and I collapsed. I was in complete shock. I was so hurt to see my son doing that. It reminded me of when I was a kid. That soon to be my ex-wife was torturing my son. Awe! You talk about the will to fight. I gained it that day. He will never have to do that again. I thought to myself, “My children will have me in their lives as long as I live….”

34. The Dangers:

While we were in one of our many heated arguments, my ex-wife hollered out really loud, “I wished you were dead. It would be a lot easier to handle. The world would have been better off if you went ahead and committed suicide…” The only thing that bothered me was that there were adult ears and little ears listening to her. The fact that I never heard her talk that way before was shocking. I asked her if she really meant those cruel words and she said yes.
Apparently, those adult ears took it seriously. They put it into action.
A few days went by when I was going to pick up my kids. On the way there, there was a pick-up following me really close. I really took notice to it when it got right on my bumper. I tried to speed up and it stayed right there. So I slowed down to let it pass and it wouldn’t. Finally, they decided to pass and I thought no more about it until it stayed right beside me on a two lane highway. I got extremely nervous because of this and all of a sudden, they moved over on me trying to force me off of the road. I did not want to get into an accident or even get a dent in my truck so I darted off of the road in a field that did not look too bad and there were no fences there. I went down the embankment into the field and the ground was hard so I quickly got back on the road, luckily without a scratch. I came in behind them and tried to identify the tag but they must have had a really big motor because all I saw was tail lights growing smaller and smaller. They took off like a bat out of hell. I could not keep up so I backed off. All I needed was to get a reckless driving charge and my future with big trucks would be over indefinitely.
My nerves were shook pretty ad that day and for a moment, my mind drifted off back into the war zone.
I snapped back to present day quickly keeping in mind that the danger level had raised a few bars and my mind went into overdrive.
My sense of awareness of my surroundings was high. Some may say that I was paranoid.
I was pretty sure of who they were but was not going to jump to any conclusions. Besides, if I said anything, it would be their words against mine and frankly, there was no one in that entire county who would help or assist me at the time. So, I never reported it.
There was another time that I was on my way to pick up the kids for visitation when I noticed a man holding a rifle pointed in my direction. I also noticed that there was a puff of smoke coming out of the barrel. I have seen this scenario before over there in the desert and was very aware of what their intentions were.
No more second guessing. I knew what they were up to. I really made that dodge go fast that day. I was not going to stick around to find out who it was. I am sure that I know, but again, can’t jump to conclusions in that county especially in my new walk of life.
He was alone in the field. I identified him as a relative of my ex-wife’s. He was a really big name and my words against him would get nowhere. So, I took it upon myself to engage this enemy myself, a little different than Johnnie law would have liked to have handled it. So, what I did was, wait till situation cooled down and made my strategical plans to infiltrate this want to be murderer’s home and confront him one on one.
That is exactly what I did. The only thing that differed was that I used a BB hand gun instead of a real gun. It looked and felt real. It seemed real enough to make this joker piss the bed. I made a deal with him as he was shaking and begging me not to kill him. I said, “if you ever point a gun in my direction again, I will kill you. Number two, if you back off, I will too. Don’t fuck with me or my family ever again”. I left as quickly as I came. I was really in bad shape back then to make any rational decisions. Even if it was not right, it worked. They haven’t bothered me since.
What was I supposed to do? There were no instructions on how to handle these kinds of people in civilian life. Even if I acted in self defense, I would go to prison for the rest of my life, if not the electric chair. I went by the only rules I knew, the rules of engagement. Fire when fired upon.
I just kept growing stronger every time anyone did anything to me. The meaner they got, the tougher I got. They tried to hurt me anyway they possibly could. The more that I was chastised; the more that I wanted to destroy them but would wait to make my move. I had to be careful, though. The war with them could very easily escalate and God forbid they would try to do something stupid like that. I would have snapped and they really kept taking what was happening to me as a weakness. They kept pushing and pushing. They almost succeeded in creating a monster too big for them to handle. They had no idea of what they were doing.
Even today, I think about what could have been and am ashamed of my thoughts. I had made diabolical plans of destroying each and every one of them, one by one. Every one of them was marked for their crimes.
In a weird way, I am glad they did all they did. Had they not, I am not sure if I would have gained enough strength or confidence to beat those monsters. I was hurt by was my ex and her family were doing but look at what they were doing to my kids. They were teaching them to hate like them. I had to reach way down deep inside my soul to gather the strength, courage and the will to fight against their evil ways. I had to use common sense to be able to beat child services, my ex, her lawyer, family, friends and influences. I was alone.
You know something? Evil has a lot of money and it is sometimes next to impossible to beat.
I laid down that night and retreated back to that special place in my mind. Where there was no pain and released all of my negative thoughts and emotions in order to think clearly. I thought my ex was a good mother at the time and would not step in the way of that but, I refused to let her take them away from me because of hatred.
I sentenced her to her low down, lying, cheating, and no good for nothing, miserable, and pathetic existence of her so called life. She has to be the one to face what she was and is doing.

Sex Reassignment Surgery

35. The Fight Continues:

We battled though many phone conversations because of my profession as a truck driver and being away most of the time. They were intense and heated. I am just as guilty as she was in the way we were cutting each other down until we had enough and stated to work some things out to satisfy both of us to some degree. We had agreed that the children were not to be brought into our battles. Yet, she used them as leverage or some may say, “Weapons” anyways. We agreed to settle our divorce out of court. There were a few copies of the divorce that we went through.
I was so dazed and confused by the time I was called in for the finalization of the divorce. I was depressed because this was the last of this chapter in my life and was so tired from the long drive to get there. I was really confused with what was happening to me about my transformation and to top it all was met by my ex’s lawyer and the lawyer’s daddy. He was the son of the notorious person who was implicated in the three civil rights workers murders in 1963. This was and is the most dangerous family in Neshoba County, Mississippi’s history. His father was head of the KKK in Mississippi for decades. I did not have a lawyer because I had no money and no one would see me anyways. Believe me, I tried. As I was reading the divorce papers, the lawyer’s father stood over me and said, “Just sign the damn thing or else!”. What would you do? Being all alone with sleep deprivation, depression, and the head of the KKK’s son breathing down the back of your neck and threatening your life? You might say that I was totally incompetent at the time to make the right decision and not sign those papers. Let’s not forget that I have poor reading comprehension as well.
On the way out of the courthouse, I was met again by this father of the lawyer. He said to me, “You need help!” I turned around and walked back to him and asked him, “Did you ever offer any?” I was crying as I walked out of the courthouse. On the steps, I turned around again and noticed my ex’s lawyer crying too.
That chapter of my life is over now. There is no turning back now. The collateral damage had been done. Although, my ex and her family had done some real and nasty things to me, my war torn heart still loved her but she did not love me and that hurt more than anything I ever felt before.

36. Re-union:

After the divorce papers were signed, I called my ex directly and informed her that I wanted to see the children after school was out. I had not seen them in over two months. She had no choice but to agree to my unsupervised visitation with the children.
It was Thursday night at the ball park. I was to pick them up Friday night for the remainder of my visitation.
My daughter was at the softball fields playing and I did not want to mess her game up but she saw me anyways. Her face lit up and she stood tall as her short self could. Just by my presence at the game, she knew that I had won the battle for them and we could continue to see each other. We could just feel each others’ joy through the expressions through our faces.
It was her turn to bat. She blew me a butterfly kiss and said, “I love you and this one is for you.” She stepped up to the plate and tucked her shoulders tight and the ball was thrown. She swung that bat with all of her might in a way I never seen her do before. That bat connected to that ball with a loud cracking noise that seemed to echo through the park. I watched as that ball seemed to be in slow motion. It sailed almost down to the soccer field before it landed. I just cried with happiness. I hollered out loud, “That’s my girl!” I was so proud of her as she went around the loaded bases. The crowd was on their feet just a cheering her. She ran off the field straight to me and we just hugged and cried. I told her that I was going to pick her and her brother up after school tomorrow. I asked her where her brother was and she said where the soft ball landed. Then I made my way down there and she went back to her game.
As I was walking down there, I saw my little guy running after that soccer ball as fast as he could with those little legs. He was so cute. I walked on the other side and sat down on the grass to watch him. I noticed the people staring at me as they were sitting in their lawn chairs surrounding the field. As soon as my son recognized me, he ran right off of that field screaming out, “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” with tears in his eyes and tackled me and we just wrestled and played. This child was the happiest child that I had ever seen. You could not peel his smile off of his face. After I gathered myself, I looked around. I noticed that they had stopped the game and most of the lawn chairs were turned around in our direction instead of the fields. They were clapping as if they knew the whole story or something. I almost lost my bearing and started to cry but my son said, “It’ll be ok, Daddy. They love you too.” I told my son what we were going to do after school tomorrow and he said, “Ok” and went back to playing. He played his heart out.
As I walked away from the field while trying to control my emotions, I noticed my ex huffing in anger towards me. I did not care if she had anything to say at all after all she did. I just walked past her with my head held high.

37. Hotel Visitations :

Every time I came in from the road, I would pick them up and take them to various hotels that would be safe enough to visit in. Some of them had pools and some with restaurants. We had a lot of good but expensive times. I took them to the zoo and the museum of natural history and to the river and the Petrified Forest. We did almost everything that Mississippi had to offer and that I could afford. Man, those kids were expensive.
One time we were at a hotel in the home town just before taking the kids back to their mother when I noticed a black SUV poking out at a corner of the hotel we were staying at. I made my daughter get out of the pick-up and lock the big truck’s doors while I watched the SUV in a mirror. I told the kids to buckle up because we were going to turn around very quickly. So, I did just that and parked my pick-up right in front of the SUV so they could go nowhere. I wanted to see who they were and what their intentions were.
I found out when they turned the blue lights on the dash of their vehicle. I jumped out and asked just what the hell were they doing and explained why I was so paranoid. They completely understood and left us alone. We had good time regardless of where we went or what we did. The kids were wonderful.

38. Phases Of Transition:

Childhood, recognition of gender, decades of the “war in the head”, the final countdown, born again, mourning, conquering fears, beginning of transition, self acceptance, more conquering fears, opening up to the world, the confidence course, social acceptance, learning new gender role, the final step into the rest of life.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself has everything to do with this transition. All of us in who have succeeded in our journeys to become who we are have realized this through all the pain and emotions caused by ourselves brought on by our own fears from with-in.
Although there is plenty of hatred and bigotry, we must face our own fears.
Everyone knows exactly what gender they are when they are children, right? But what if you don’t feel right about your body versus gender? All of a sudden your future becomes complete chaos. The forced conformity of what the world and your parents want you to be really hurts sometimes. This causes wars in the head with a magnitude that will follow you the rest of your life until you decide to do something about it.
There are a lot of casualties of war from this. Like for example: drug addictions, alcohol addictions, suicides, some rape victims, self mutilators, some murders, etc.
“Why”, might you ask or “why can’t you stay the same and live out your life?” These are very good questions that I have asked myself quite often. There comes a time in life when one has to make a decision of who or what they want to be to be able to be happy and one with themselves. The answer is quite simple with what I am going through. When my body reached a certain age, it stopped producing testosterone. The estrogen took over and completely changed me. Some of us change sooner and some later. It is a side effect of the way we were born.
In other words, the male side dies.
Just like any death of a loved one. It is accompanied with the mourning process. But first, you have to be able to recognize this for what it is. As most of us already know what’s happening to us. We just have to accept it if we are to be happy.
In a way, we are born again into a new gender role that that our minds and bodies craved for so long. It is almost like it is welcomed even though we know it can be devastating. For many of us, it is life or death after that.
Thanks to the information age, we are able to find others that are going through the same thing we are. Oh, but when I was young, it was unheard of and to think of a thing like that, why, you must be possessed. You will burn in hell for just the thoughts of it. Until you experience this for yourself, you can never fully understand the fear.
Now that your life has completely been turned upside down, you must be able to accept the fact that you are this way and to be able to live with your new gender role before anyone else can accept you.
Are we gay or straight? What would be the proper label? Without proper guidance, this could be considered one of the most delicate areas of transition. This is one of the reasons that psychological therapy is required. It is confusing if you live with a woman for seventeen years and don’t believe in homosexuality and all of a sudden living a new gender role of a woman. I still don’t believe in homosexuality, so, that means
I must be with a man. I am not against it because everyone has the right to be who they want to be. I just don’t believe it is right. If you have questions about this sensitive area, talk to your counselor. I am not an expert. This is not about sex to me.
Now it is time to open up to the world. Is there a right way to do this? My personal answer is no. You just have to do it. There is no instruction book of standards and procedures. There are no guide lines. Just remember, talk to a counselor. This, by far, is the most difficult part of the journey for each and every one of us that I am aware of. This is where a good support group might come in handy so you can lean on them when you are down. You can share your lives with each other and it definitely helps conquer some fears.
At this point you need to build confidence in yourself to be socially accepted as well. You just have to reach deep down in your being and find the confidence. It is there, believe me. There is no turning back from here on in. Keep in mind, to get to this stage, you pretty much have lost everything you had and are trying to rebuild your life and put back the pieces of your life the best way you know how.
It’s too late to turn back now. You might as well go all the way now.
Finally, the last stage or phase; the surgery that takes place is just another step. Not a mountain to climb unless is a financial mountain in which I could understand that but it is not that big of a deal. It is the absolute.
New fears arise throughout the transition and it doesn’t stop here. Let life take charge and live it to the best of your ability. I know the pains.

39. Bathroom Issues:

I have got to say, by far, the bathroom issues were the biggest issues for me. This subject brought more ridicule and discrimination than any phase that I went through and got to the point of just plain old ridiculous.
I have a suggestion to solve all bathroom issues for all of us across the board. Unisex bathrooms! How hard was that? Yikes!

40. Love Me?

You might ask yourself, “How does one’s sexual preference change?” In the beginning, I had to conform to what society wanted me to be by instilling real fear by forceful beatings and antagonism. Part of the conformity was that a man had to be with a woman and the other way around. I really tried hard to conform. Yes, I liked women to a certain degree but was never able to perform the full act of sex. I never completed the job.
The only way was to caress myself and imagine that I was a woman with a man period. I honestly tried for seventeen years with a wife. No go. I was able to fool the world but never did I fool myself. I knew right from the very beginning of my memories that I am a female. I was forced to live a life that was not mine.
If it were not for modern medicine, I would not have any children. My son was a true miracle. I was very fortunate and blessed to have them enter our world.
My sexual orientation never changed. As the true woman that I am, I was always attracted to males. Believe it or not, that was harder for me to admit than being a t-woman.
You see? I have always been taught how wrong that was and was completely brainwashed into thinking all that is out of the sexual norm has to be hated. Yeah, even me. Propaganda ruled my life.
Keeping all that in mind, I figured that I would have to live my life in solitude. Who would have me? Who would just love me for me? Is it possible? I had given up on the idea that there would be anyone out there that would be my life partner. So, I decided that I would love me for me and if I had to be alone, well, that would be alright.
So, I did. I started to get along with myself pretty darn good. It would be my daughter, son, and me.
In early April of 2008, during the in “between” stage of my journey, I changed jobs to a company out of Oklahoma City. I was convinced by a dispatcher there in whom I worked for with another company. He said that he would make me money in which I really need to complete the transition. I accepted his offer. I did not like how the other company was treating me anyways. They were extremely rude and discriminating. I was good enough to haul their freight but not good enough to use their bathrooms or shower that all the other drivers could use on their property. Oh, how they humiliated me.
I had company orientation set for April 16-18, 2008. I went through the first day without anything wrong. So far, so good! The 2nd day was a little surprising for me. I had a break from class and went to the break room to get some coffee and sat down on the sectional couch they had, minding my own business. Another driver walked behind me and reached over me to give me a piece of paper that had his phone number on it. He said, “Call me.” Right, like I was just gonna call him. What’s he take me for, easy?
Later that day, another guy walks in to take a shower and I already noticed that there was someone ahead of him and told him. He just turned around and walked over to the other side of the sectional couch across from me. He said, “Thanks.” He was very polite and handsome. I asked him what his name was and he answered, “Dave.” I then asked him to tell me about himself and he did not want to talk about himself. He did about what his ex did to him and how hurt he was. I said, “David, if I want to hear about what our ex’s did, I would have asked that. I want to know about you. You are the one sitting here in front of me, not her.” He was pretty excited to think that anyone would care about him and proceeded to tell me about himself. I rather enjoyed our conversation. He spoke to me with the utmost respect and again, very polite. I had to go back in the classroom to finish out the day of orientation. I hoped that I would get to see him again.
The next day, I was just waiting to get my truck and he walked back in the break room and we talked some more. I finally got my truck assigned to me and needed a little help carrying my bags. How convenient, huh? He volunteered to help me carry my bags and would not let pick any of them up to put them into my truck.
I asked him if he knew how to install a CB radio. There he went, without hesitation, up in the truck and while he was there installing it, I was putting my clothes away. I sat down on the bed and decided to spill the beans about whom and what I was. I figured that he would either get mad, leave, or hopefully wanted to be friends. I had to take the chance. I really liked him.
He was/is a true gentleman. He told me that he did not see me that way. As far as he was concerned, he saw me as a beautiful woman. He gave me his phone number in hopes that I would call him. Well, I don’t usually call when someone gives me their number because I could not take the hurt that comes along with it, but I liked him a lot, especially after what he said to me in the truck.
Before we parted, I jumped out of the truck and ran over to him to give him a hug to thank him for his help. He embraced my waist and asked me, “Would you be interested in having dinner the next time we meet?” Awe, that was so sweet. I could not help but say, “Yes!”
I called him later that night to get to know him better. I, also, played hard to get. I teased him a lot, tested him even more, and when I was through, I teased and tested him some more. I wanted to see if this wonderful man was for real or just wanted me for a toy. I was shocked to find out that he passed every one of my silly test.
So, I tested him some more
We called each other continuously for the next two weeks in which during that time we decided to take it to the next level just like two teenagers, “going steady”, on April 21st.
I did not want him to be hurt by me and was thinking about dumping him before it went too far. I was talking to my daughter about it and she said, “Why don’t you stop blaming yourself for what happened to you and get on with your life. Give him a chance and better yet, give yourself a chance.” I was struck hard by her words and decided that she was right.
I was totally caught off guard when David had asked me to marry him in May, 2008. I said yes, of course. It struck me later of what took place that day.
We decided to team together and the company that we were presently working for did not offer team miles. So, we had to move. We got a job out of Birmingham, Alabama. They seemed to treat us respectfully. I had never been happier at work. He made me feel really good about myself.
I fell in love with David, for real. I am so, so, glad to know that there is life after love. After the surgery, we plan to get married in Mississippi. It will be the 1st transsexual wedding in the state’s history.
That’s my love story from heaven itself. That would be another book all together. Every ending has a new beginning.

Sex Reassignment Surgery

41. Daddy’s Little Girl:

It was Monday, the 8th of September, 2008, when I receive a phone call from my ex as we were leaving town to go back out on the road after our visitation with the kids. Her voice seemed to be a whimpering voice when she said, “Are you where you can talk?” Well, this had to be a good one after all the stunts she has pulled in the past. She has not sounded this way since her mother died in’04. Then she spoke trying not to cry, “Our daughter is pregnant.” Silence took the airwaves and I even began to cry. I was not sure what to say, think, or do. I was at a complete loss for words for once. All I could think about was my little girl. She is only fourteen years old. She fought so hard for me in the divorce and now she is in real trouble. What was I going to do? All I could come up with was, “All we can do is to love her and the baby. We cannot change the hands of time and make this go away. We need to deal with this like adults that we are. Our daughter needs us to get along now more than ever.”
At that particular moment, I was thinking clearly. Then, panic set in. I am quite sure my ex had already gone past the panic mode since she knew about this before I did. She was calmer than I was.
I started in on who was the father. I wanted to kill him, rip his head off and crap down his throat, strangle him, put him in jail for the rest of his natural born life, and the list goes on. You get the picture. Even though I am a trans-woman, doesn’t mean I am a pussy. I can jokingly say that now. I don’t want to kill him anymore; I just want him not to be alive anymore. He must pay child support. “My God, she is so young!” kept ringing in my mind over and over like the liberty bell before it cracked.
At this point, I started looking way too far into the future and thinking about next year after the baby gets here and what I wanted to do for the baby when I got them for visitation next summer for a month. I wanted to do something special.
That is when my fire got lit up by my ex’s God forsaken words, “We’ll see about that.” My auto pilot for defense immediately kicked into overdrive. Was this bitch going to make it so I can’t see my grand child? Paranoia was on the rise. After all the stunts that she and her crooked lawyer pulled, was she capable of this horrific act? Damn, she is smart and just as evil to pull it off and I knew it.
Later that day, I started in on the text messaging. I blamed her for the whole situation. She fought so hard for sole physical custody and got it. Now, she has a pregnant teenage daughter on her hands. She did not supervise her when she was thirteen when she went to the movies or so she thought. She let our daughter out without a leash. She had no control and I warned her over and over that all she talked about was boys this and boys that. I told her that our daughter was sneaking out the window to see her boyfriends while she was sleeping. I went on and on till she broke.
I realize now that no matter what you teach your children about right and wrong or what is best for them, they are going to do what they want to even more so if left unsupervised.
I knew my ex-wife’s intentions were real. I knew she had that much evil in her to do it. I just was not ready for it.

42. Balance on a Sharp Edge of a Knife.

“Your father walked out of your life. Blame him. He is the reason that you are angry. Take it out on him. He tells nothing but lies. You can’t trust him. He is no good. Your step father will take care of you and love you and you don’t need you father anymore. He’s a piece of shit” This is all the children have heard from their mother since the divorce. My ex is/had been trying to brainwash my children into believing her world of hate.
Up to this point, the children remained faithful to me, but as you read on, you will see the hate develop right before your very eyes and see one child turn.
This is what hate does. I cry inside every day of my life because of this. Could this be considered collateral damage of my war in the head? I think not!

November 28, 2008;

I had a phone conversation with my ex about our daughter. We argued a couple of things about responsibilities and then she told me what my daughter’s point of view was. She said that she did not want me to be there when the baby was born because there would be too much controversy and also said that she did not want anything else to do with me.
I wanted to be angry that the ex said what my daughter said.
I was led to believe that our daughter was ok with the idea that I could be present for the birth of my grandchild. I asked my daughter a couple of times if it were ok. She would respond with an absolute yes. I even included the words, “You know that there might be some controversy with your mother’s family about me being the way I am.” Her answer was still yes.
So, when the ex said that, I knew it was true because she said some of the exact words that I said to my daughter and I know that she doesn’t use words like I do. My heart sank to my feet. I had to hang up from the ex. I just wanted to die. The thought of losing my daughter and grandchild was too much for me to bear.
I sank into a deep depression. I started to e-mail one of my friends and let it all hang out but could not complete it because I wanted to put a knife into my heart to stop this burning pain deep inside me. I fought so hard and desperately against that evil bitch to keep in the children s lives and now I am losing not only one child but a grandchild to boot.
I was sitting in the drivers’ seat of our big truck when I started to cry totally out of control. I was not able to comprehend why my daughter was doing this at the time. David had awoken incredibly fast to see what the matter was. He had to pick me up out of the seat because I was so weak. I cried so hard that I almost passed out. Oh God how it hurt. Just when I thought my life could not get any worse. This had to be the worst pain that I have ever received in my entire life up to that point. I called my daughter’s phone a hundred times.
She finally answered and I asked her when she said that so she would not have a way out of the truth and her answer of course was, “I don’t know”. So, I asked her, “So you did say it then?” She said, “Yes”. My own daughter turned on me after all that I did for her. She managed to crush my heart 100 times greater than I have ever experienced before in my life.
After I settled down, my mind went into overdrive. I could not sleep. I could not eat and all I did was take all my clothes off and lay down curled up in a ball in the bed facing the wall with my eyes wide open. I wanted to die. My daughter had succeeded in destroying my heart. I stayed like that for quite some time. David was really getting worried and would rub my shoulder saying, “Baby, don’t do this, don’t do this to me. Not now honey, I need you.” His love had brought me out of the deepest depression that I have ever encountered. I rolled half way over and said to him, “David, the children are going to grow up and be on their own soon and they will live their lives. I have the rest of my life to spend with you because I know you love me, for real.” His eyes were all teared up as he said, “That was the nicest thing you could have ever had said to me.”
With David’s help, I regained my strength and ability to rationalize and analyze my thoughts again. We discussed the possibilities and concluded that my daughter was persuaded into thinking there would be problems there at the hospital by the one person that wants to hurt me the most, the evil bitch, my welcomed ex and of course, the rest of that hateful society of Mississippi.
I tell you that I really wanted to disown my daughter for hurting me so but, I made a promise to her a long time ago that no matter how bad she screwed up, I would still hold my arms open wide for her to fall back on. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that she would do this to me though.
The damage has been done. Now the bridge that she has injured has to be rebuilt. It will take a long time to rebuild the trust that she has damaged by building my hopes up and then crushing me with her words, actions, the lying, and deceit. I told her that all I was ever guilty of was of loving her and if that was so bad then she needs help. I also told her that after all that I did do for her, at least she can do is give me an explanation and, by God, it better be a good one. I have seen the light since then. Even if I don’t like it, I understand her point of view.
There is one thing about all of this. My son has been a good son to me and very kind and considerate of my feelings and is another reason that I came out of that depression. I was talking to him on the phone the night of the 7th of December and he wanted me to know that he had two words for me and then he corrected his self and he said, “Three words”. I said, “oh yeah, what words are they?” He replied without hesitation, “ I love you.” I started to cry when he said, “Awe you don’t have to get mushy on me again.” I said to him, “those were the sweetest words you could ever say to me.”
You see? My son says these words without being prompted by me or anyone else. He says them from his heart. My daughter has never done that and that is where I did not realize how she really felt about me. I was blind to her true feelings because she with held them from me because she says that she didn’t want to hurt me. I told her, “Well, darling, by keeping the truth from me, you succeeded in ripping my heart out of my chest and hurting me more than you can possibly imagine.” “All you had to do was tell the truth. I trusted you.”

December 2008;

I concluded that I was not going to let this get in the way of celebrating Christmas and my heart would be in it more that year, more than it ever has before. I had reason to celebrate.
I have a man that loves me unconditionally and is willing to spend the rest of his life with me. I just hope that my daughter realizes what she has done and will someday ask me for my forgiveness. If that day comes, I will unconditionally forgive her as if it never had happened.
As far as my son is concerned, I hope he will continue to want me in his life and someday his family’s life too. Whether my daughter knows it or not, I will love her for the rest of my life. My son does know that it is the same for him.

43. A Long Letter to My Daughter:

Well, darling?

Here is your chance to prove to me that you are as grown up as you say you are. I am giving you the opportunity to come to me and say from your heart as how you really feel about this whole situation. You need to be the one to honestly open up to me.
I am still hurt about the words you spoke to your mother and could not say to me to my face. Yes, even I, your father, am susceptible to being hurt by a fourteen year old. You will be a child in my eyes until the day you grow up and own up to your own responsibilities to me, your father.
Whatever happened to “honor thy father and mother?” Now you have to fix this situation if it is what you want. Otherwise there will be an invisible wall or barrier between us until the day that you do.
I can’t give you anymore than my heart. Everything else is just material. Everything else can be replaced.
I have to be just a father to you and not a friend anymore until you make the decision to want to reconcile our differences or in other words, want to make things right where they once went wrong.
You have to forgive me for changing and yourself for whatever. I did not choose this. It chose me. I was really born with this. Do you make fun of how people are born? Of course you don’t. Would you stand up for a person that is born abnormally if he or she is being made fun of? Of course you would. Why do you let this be such an issue when I have proven my birth defect? You have to realize just how important it is to keep this relationship between father and daughter going even if I am different.
I have sworn to protect you from the wolves but it seems that is the direction you are going and the outcome is not looking good from my eyes and I WILL NOT admit defeat unless there is no hope for you and there is ALWAYS hope.
When I am talking about your mother to you, it is not that I am speaking badly of her. In her eyes, she thinks she is doing the right thing. I have seen and heard things about my ex-wife that would make your hair curl worse but that is your mom. You look past her faults and respect her, right? What about mine? Do you look past my faults? None of us are perfect and we will keep making mistakes the rest of our lives.
I am a great father to you and your brother. Don’t blow it.
You can choose to opt out or keep it going. I am not giving up on you, darling. If you choose to opt out, you will be giving up on me. In other words, we can choose to leave God but He doesn’t leave us. Same thing goes here.
There is one more thing and then I will shut up. How much will you love you baby? What if for some unforeseen event in you and your child’s life, your child says to you, “Mom, I don’t want you at the hospital when I have my baby.” Or “Mom, I don’t ever want to see you again.”
Will you be hurt by that? Would your heart be ripped from your chest? Would you hold your arms open wide like I am for you?
You have to grow up now and realize that your baby may do this back to you one day. That’s call KARMA. What you do will come back on you in however you treat others, that I promise. It has me. I don’t want you to ever have to experience the pain I have endured throughout this whole ordeal.
That would be my SWORN promise to the almighty GOD to protect you from not only others but from yourself. You won’t always be able to see things from the outside and you need insight to see it. Somehow, deep in my shattered and war torn heart, I know you will do the right thing. I will be waiting now and for the rest of my life for your response.
Come back to me.
I love you and don’t YOU forget that as long as you live, or as you said to me, “you are stoopid.”

44. The OPT Out:

Well, she chose the option to not see me anymore. As much as it hurts, I think that is best for her. At least she finally became one with herself by telling the truth instead of hiding it. She feels as if she had been lied to all her life and I do understand that. She is already one step ahead of me in life. Sometimes I wished that I did this a long time ago. As hind sight is 20-20, I would go through it all over again so I could have the little precious time that I did have with my little girl. I will love her and my grandchild even if she doesn’t want me in her and my grand baby’s life for the rest of my life. If there is one thing I am good at, that is love. I made mistakes along the way of life and some of the outcomes were not desirable but there is one thing for sure, I made two good kids even if one of them was led astray. She’ll come around one day and I will be there for her with open arms.

Sex Reassignment Surgery

45. Insult to Injury:

11:24pm, 17 March, 2009:

I am sitting here in Bristol, Pa, awaiting my visit to my surgeon in the morning thinking about what just transpired today. My heart rate is going out of control and my nerves have been pushed to the limit. I am back to the beginning of the divorce in my mind. I am trying to figure out what went wrong with my extremely vindictive daughter.
I received a text message today of a baby that was just born. It had a different surname than my daughter’s and I was bewildered by the intent. The father was unknown or so they say. The surname given to my granddaughter was of my ex’s new husband. What was the motivation of this silly event? Just by taking a name away doesn’t mean that it is not my blood. What are they trying to gain by doing that?
This hurts to know that my daughter hates me that much. She has recently informed me that she doesn’t even consider me her father anymore. I can respect that a little because it is awfully hard to consider a woman to be a father. You really have to be open minded.
OK, let’s see what we come up with. Here is what we know about the daughter:
1. At the beginning of the divorce, I wanted to give her the choice of whom she wanted to stay with. She chose her mother.
2. She showed interest in my visitations with both children but seemed distant.
3. I performed an experiment with her. I wanted to show her what it would be like if her friends knew about me and how would she feel about me. She seemed to be ok with it at the time.
4. A couple of years of this and she seemed ok.
5. All of a sudden, her mother calls me and informs me that the daughter is pregnant. We had arguments over who the father was. I never received a definitive answer.
6. One more visit with the daughter and she was ok with me going to the hospital to see the baby born. Both, my son and fiancé heard her say that.
7. I received another phone call from my ex telling me that the daughter doesn’t want me at the hospital or to have anything to do with the baby. OUCH!
8. Today, I get an insult that the baby does not even have her legal surname. I am ok with that.
9. I asked my ex where my son was three times by text message and no answer.
10. I call two times and finally she answers informing me of where he was. He was with her daddy and ‘em. Then she comes back to slap me in the face by text messaging me and saying he was with his grandparents. She never called them that until then knowing that I was upset at the daughter about the baby.
Now, I am upset and am not even sure why. I expected this. I have seen the hate unfold right before my very eyes. I had seen the way it happened. I saw the hate nurtured and cultivated. I saw hate for what it is. EVIL! I told y’all that I was not perfect in any way but if I were half as evil as these people in this particular family were, they all would be dead by my hands.
That’s right. I thought a lot evil thoughts but never acted upon them. It just goes to show you, I am not a bad woman. I have never been as bad as they said. I never used children as weapons. I also never acted out my anger. I never hurt anyone physically, other than self defense. Sure, I cussed a lot but remember my back ground of the military and farming. That’s all we ever did was cuss.
I have got to let go and maintain my mental stability. I am finally over these monsters and what they are doing. I tell you now that they will eventually try really hard to take visitation rights away from me for my son. Be it to their dismay, he already knows what they are going to do. He told me that they were trying to tell him not to see me anymore. He said that he refuses to listen to them. I said to him not to hate them but understand the hate for what it is worth and realize that it is a disease and needs to be dealt with properly. “Don’t let hate get you!!!!!!” I had plenty of chances to hate but that would make me as bad as they were and that, I am not. I refuse to even be considered in their category.
I will not give up my fight for happiness. They tortured me when I was Paul. So, it made no difference if I changed or not. I am the one who has to be happy.
The haters are relentless in their efforts to destroy me and my kind. When will they stop? Never! That is all they know how to do and are really good at it. Be it as it may, they met their match when they met me.
They are not able to stop my desires for freedoms such as my life, my liberty, and my pursuit of happiness. That is all I know and I am good at it…. I am free from their destructive ways. I am free from their hate.
At least my son had a taste of my pursuit of happiness and maybe he will follow suit. I hope that he has enough courage, strength, and self sacrifice to conquer their hateful ways. I believe in my son. If anyone can do it, he will.
My daughter has lost her way. Will she ever find the right way before it is too late? I can forgive a teenager for being a teenager but this went way too far into hate and vindictiveness. She was taught to hurt me over and over again. She did in fact, perform and consciously execute those horrible acts of hatred and that is what hurts so much. She never learned hatred from me. I did nothing to deserve what they did. She learned all that hate from her mother, family, and her surroundings. I don’t blame her. She was and is confused and the haters have taken advantage of that to use their hatred against me and others in my position. She is currently brainwashed and there is not a dang thing I can do about it except love her unconditionally. She has to come back to me and ask for forgiveness and I will be just to forgive her. Besides, I have already forgiven her. I may be upset with what is going on in her confused life but she is my daughter and I will love her unconditionally for the rest of my life.
It is amazing that all of the other people in the world that do not know me accept me. They have no idea of my back ground. So, what is the big deal with the people that do know me? Do they feel deceived? They shouldn’t. They know about me. What else could it be? Maybe they feel uncomfortable about being around me because people have labeled me. No, I stake my life on just plain old evil hatred taught by some twisted and warped minded radical views of today. It will never stop entirely. I can just show the world that I live in, one by one, that it is ok to accept me and others like me. I do not bite or maybe, I do. HMMMMM! LOL

46. Religion? :

“Who cares if they are happy or not as long as they go along with our beliefs and don’t become a threat to us”? That is what I heard an elder of a church say as well as, “As long as you fit into the right clicks and give your money then you are alright with them.”
I stand here today through the largest fights of and for my life and tell you that the largest amount of mental torture, ridicule, hatred, and judgmental attitudes comes from the so called religious society of today.
I was informed by my former preacher, “You will pay for your sins of this change”. I informed him that I did not want this to happen to me, it just happened. I could not control it. He insisted that I was consumed by the devil and there was no hope for me and that I would burn in hell forever. I wonder, while he was condemning me, if he knew that I was born this way. Hum! Good question. Even if I weren’t born this way, where was his place to judge me? Look in Romans, Chapter 14.
A deacon from the same church informed me that I was not allowed to worship God and I was mocking and blaspheming God by even stepping foot inside the church.
Those people taught me a lot about religion. Our masqueraded free American society was formed on the religious beliefs from the King James Version of the bible in our declaration of independence and constitution. Apparently, our wonderful society has completely forgotten about humanity in the whole. They use the bible and other religious texts to teach hatred and to be judgmental because their jealous and vengeful “God” authorizes them to do it. This is one of the reasons that our free country called America is getting fined billions of dollars each year for human rights violations because we allow it to happen. It is sad to think that our society, in the whole, has been taught all this hatred and thrives off of the negative powers of the universe. I, on the other hand, have learned to embrace the positive powers and now my well being has improved 150%
You might ask me, “Do you still believe in God?” My answer is, “YES!” I believe in an all powerful and positive energy of the universe. (God) It can control you if you let it or it will consume or devour your mind as well. The same goes for the negative power, (Satan)”
There has to be a balance in order to live your life in peace and harmony. Although there are wonderful stories in the bible and teach good will, I also believe man has taken the bible and changed it to suit his needs for power. Women are second class citizens according to the bible. We are to be servants of men while they serve God. How twisted is that? We are not good enough to serve God?
God is omnipotent. He is not male or female. Why is God called the father, son, he, him, etc? Jesus never claimed to be God. He said to his disciples and I quote, “I am the son of man.” He said to Pontius Pilot when asked who he was while standing in front of the crowd that wants to crucify him, “I am that ye say that I am.” He only said that because people will believe what they want and it would not matter what he said. They would torture him further and crucify him anyways.
If you have not seen the movie, “Passion of the Christ”, it is my opinion that you’re missing as close to the truth that there is. It is a great love story for mankind to follow.
As I recall reading the New Testament, Jesus never preached any kind of hatred. All he ever preached was love and we murdered him for it. How can we enter the kingdom of heaven if we have hate in our hearts? We can’t! God forbids it. End of story………….

Conclusion:

Bitter Sweet;

We have watched a movie or read a book having a bitter/sweet ending. You want to cry because you are happy but on the other hand, you want to cry because you are sad leaving that numb feeling. What can you make of it? I can say that there is no answer to that.
I am left picking up the pieces to my bitter/sweet ending.
I have left a trail of heartache in my life in the pursuit of happiness. The question that I ask myself quite often is, “Was it worth it?”
I look back on my life and see the child who was abused and the young adult that was too afraid to live. I look at the unhappy husband and the grateful father that dreamed of being a mother. I see the suicidal soldier. I don’t look at it as if it were my life. It was clearly someone else’s. I take responsibility of my new and free life.
It was not fair at all to see a child abused like that. It was not fair that that child had to grow up as another person. It was not fair to live a life that was not mine.
Although, life is not fair, I never had a chance until it became clear to me that it was either death or go through with the transition. I am glad that there was a guardian angel watching over me and let me live.
I see life in a new perspective altogether now. I see people for who they really are. The people that made fun of the less fortunate in school are the very same people out here in the adult world making fun of people less fortunate than they are now, except this time it is a lot more intense. They believe so strongly against people out of the norm that they go as far as to kill us in cold blood and get away with it because our laws don’t even consider us to be human. This is true.
We have no rights as long as we are in transition. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) won’t even help us (me). Our cases don’t even reach local news. If it does, it will be a short and sweet story of how people feel deceived and beat, rape, murder, or kill the person/s trying to live in their new gender role and get slapped on the wrist saying, “Bad boy don’t do it again.” What a slap in the face to the free world.
Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Texas, Oklahoma, Kentucky, North and South Carolina, and many other states will not even hear of any cases involving hate crimes against transsexuals across the board. When will the hate stop? Will it ever stop? No. That is a sure answer as long as there are human beings on this planet.
I told you in the beginning of this book that my intentions were to educate people of the horrors we face in order to live our lives as who we really believe we are. My efforts to inform you all about hate may be in vain but, damn it, I can say I tried.
For God’s sake, we are human beings, too. We live by trial and error because there is no right way to do it. There are no education boards that will inform children that people are different and we should be loved, too.
A staggering 48% of transsexuals commit suicide because we are so hated in our culture and religious beliefs.
My God, People. Wake up and have compassion. Live and let live. We are not perverts, pedophiles, sexual deviants. We mean to harm no one and yet you kill us.
Sometimes, I can feel what Jesus felt like when he walked into Jerusalem a week before his crucifixion. The people cheered him and then turned their backs and killed him.
Society has not changed in over 2000 years. How advanced are we? We still live in the stone ages with computers. Well, not all of us are in the stone ages. There are people out here who do understand and do have mercy and compassion. There are people who are willing to love us and treat us with respect. I am certainly grateful for those people who do.
So, there you have it. This is the story of my “glass heart.”

The End…… “PAULA..”

My Thanks:

1st of all, I want to thank the true positive power of the universe, (God) that I pulled through. Not everyone does. I could not have done it alone. You sent guardian angels along the way, appointed to guide me in my confusing journey..

THANK YOU:

Marsha, for opening your heart and you home to my children and me. I love you.
Billy and Sandra, for going against the grain and showing the world that y’all are not afraid of what people might think and kept me as your friend. I love y’all.
Jerry and Paula, for being there when I was down and for letting me take care of Turbo. It’s an honor. I love the both of you.
Carolynn, for letting me have it when I needed it and being my friend through this whole ordeal. You’re a true friend. I love you.
Kathryn Thompson, my darling sister thanks for your forgiveness, love, and undying support from the very beginning of my transition all the way through. I love you.
David, you are my wonderful husband to be. Thanks for loving me for me unconditionally. You stuck it out with me through good times and bad. I Love you, David, for better or worse, till death do us part.
Finally, Jonathon Paul, my son, you loved me no matter what that dying world you live in thinks. You believed in me when all others left me. You stayed by my side and held my hand into Wal-Mart. You gave me inspiration to go on living when I thought my world was ending. I owe you my life. I thank God for you, son. I will love you forever and always.

ITS NOT THE YEARS IN YOUR LIFE THAT COUNT,
ITS THE LIFE IN YOUR YEARS

Sex Reassignment Surgery

Mia Isabella Domination Video

Mia Isabella

Mia Isabella Mobile

I thought my last video post of this top notch shemale pornstar was good but that video post does not “bust a nut in high heels” compared to this tranny movie. As I have said before and I will keep saying and saying this shemale porn star is one of the to popular shemale porn stars now in the world. The first most popular shemale pornstar is Bailey Jay but this top shemale is not too far behind and this Mia Isabella domination video is a top transsexual movie. The only reason why some people like Mariana Cordoba a little better then this hot tranny is because Mariana Cordoba has the biggest cock in the business but it is all a matter of personal preference. Here are some of the videos (but not limited too) this hot tranny porn star. She has has starred in the following movies:

• Mia Isabella Want Some Honey # 2
• America’s Next Top Tranny # 15
• T-Girls # 3
• Shemale Strokers # 17
• Shemale Strokers # 40
• Shemale Idol: The Auditions # 3
• Shemale Pornstar # 2
• Transsexual Babysitters # 13
• She-Male Strokers # 19
• USA T-Girls # 2
• Rogue Adventures # 36
• Shemale Strokers # 43
• Bang My Tranny Ass # 8
• American Tranny Party
• Transsexual Prostitues # 65
• America’s Next Top Tranny # 7
• T-Girl Adventures Vegas
• Full Service Transsexuals # 9
• Black She-Male Idol: The Auditions

In LA California she was with the famous and super hot porn stars from way back in the old school Christy Canyon and Nicki Hunter on Playboy Radio. The show is called night calls and they were discussing her first big hit at SheMale Club. This was back in either 2009 or 2010 not positive which. She has also won numerous AVN porn awards for her adult movies so she is obviously a “hard hitter” and has hit the big time and helped usher in transsexuals to the main stream. As a result of this automatically being a transsexual is now becoming quickly way more acceptable then in the past.

Because of this you could actually say that she has done more for LGBT Rights then most activists or “protestors” could ever do and she has done all this by default and for just being the person that she was born to be. She deserves very very much credit for this and the LGBT community should thank her for her work even though they have no idea or clue as to how much she has helped the community by default. There is more then one way to skin a cat and this shemale porn star has done a fantastic job skinning that cat and has successfully paved her own career in the process. She is truly an inspiration to future generations!

Mia Isabella Domination Video

Shemale Pornstar Mia Isabella Domination Video